"i chose and my world was shaken. so what? the choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. you have to move on". ~ Stephen Sondheim
my Wall is talking to me again. did i mention that? i thought i did, but i forget where i put my thoughts these days - there's just so many places to leave them. he's single, now, too. i'm pretty sure i never mentioned that anywhere. so one day i was sitting there and he starts talking to me again. i was pissed, i told him that but he just calmly kept initiating conversation until he wore me down.
i missed him a lot. it sucked to lose him at the same time everything else was in turmoil as my life shifted into high gear and flew through the rapids. Mandy was gone, Myste was lying to me and has since just given up, i was moving and i didn't even know where to. Angel started living a little - something that sparks very mixed feelings within me - and there was a new job suddenly and everything was crazy.
suddenly, i met red, found a wonderful apartment, had several friends show up and move all my shit and some help to unpack. the new job turned out well - hard and stressful at times, but good - and things started turning up roses again.
i don't understand him as well as i did before. this time around there is a new edgier dynamic that i am not really sure how to handle. he says one thing and does something slightly different. he seems all cocky and egocentric but drove a good 40 minutes to entertain me until 1 am Monday night on my whim. he’s carefully not touched anything more than my hand but flirts outrageously. he claims he’s unattainable and states that he’s essentially ready at a moment’s notice to end my so called dry spell. i am forced to treat him with all the caution due a live grenade. you don’t live long assuming it’s not really armed. i value his company too much to be flippant or make stupid moves.
i’m set on this hiatus for a while. how long i’m not sure but i need to breathe and think and live for me and me alone for a little while before i can concentrate on someone else again. i can’t, with a clear conscience, start anything i can’t finish.
this said, i’m testing the waters of friendship as brazenly as i dare. he’s been to my house twice, i have chatted with and taught him several games that he’s invariably beaten me at, i might add. i’ve even drank with him around taking the biggest chance on a human being in almost 6 years that i can think of.
my only real quandary is which words are the truth and which are the jokes? it’s all said with so much lightness that sometimes i swear i’m missing something from the corner of my eye . . .
“the way you activate the seeds of your creation is by making choices about the results you want to create. when you make a choice, you mobilize vast human energies and resources which otherwise go untapped. all too often people fail to focus their choices upon results and therefore their choices are ineffective. if you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want and all that is left is a compromise.” ~ Robert Fritz
one thing i can say for him is that he's got a mean arm with rubber balls and that i had a really great evening - even though it was yet another lesson in losing at his hands. =) or as Angel put it - "He shouldn't have left."
confessed on Tuesday, Jul. 24, 2007