i'm sitting here looking at a big blank box and wondering where to start, how much to say, how it will be interpreted and why i even care.
this is my place to be me. this is my reality, unrepentant and unreserved. i can be as angry or irreverent as i like. sometimes, though, i feel the weight of the eyes that read, gobbling up little nibletts of thought, gulping the long rambling essays on life and sipping my random musings.
i have moved away from being serious because i was told one day that this is where i come to bitch. when they said that i wanted to defend myself, my diary, my little cave of truth here, but Jason was right. in a way, i guess he doesn't understand that there isn't a lot in my life worth celebrating but regardless, i gather every shining bit of happiness and hold it close, tucked into my heart. they are usually small things - stuff that seems so inconsequential to others. for example, yesterday, My Wall (A/K/A: Mr. Shoe) admitted to missing me. that was a great happiness to me. every time something flies over that wall, every time Heather and i burst into song, every time Patsy snorts when i peek over the wall to mention strychnine in the guacamole, every time i get a new lyric from Mouse, link from Kev or story from Rogue, my heart swells a little more with my stolen, hoarded joys. most my shit is bad, i have to let that loose somewhere . . .
a few days ago, the first guy i ever loved was in town and we talked for hours and i leaned into his arms and felt something broken heal. i have been healing a lot of things i'd forgotten were broken lately. i was sitting there, in arms that were like a second home, arms i knew and loved and i knew that it still wouldn't work out. i said, "comforting, isn't it? like a feeling of belonging and home? *sigh* why does my timing always suck so much?" it was still the best i have felt in a long while - just to be held against a real person for a while.
this is not the first person i loved that has done a drive-by on my life lately. it's like they are all coming back. everyone. i have been talking about, rehashing, apologizing for and accepting apologies for the past a LOT lately. i have a bad habit of facing and moving only forward and leaving people behind. i have regaled people with anecdotes, but never forgotten that i can't go back. i don't look to the past, i try never to repeat my mistakes. now, all that unfinished business is coming back around. it's really starting to freak me out a little. i never realized how much i left unfinished, how many people i'd touched part of, how many had touched me.
you really should sit down and look at all the little things that make you completely and uniquely YOU and write out why they are that way. i bet you'll be surprised. take a look:
i drive a stick because of Jason and Tim. Jason impressed me with his control even at the worst moments and Tim taught me very well. i drive randomly when i need to think because of them both, too.
i love to bake because of my mom & gramma. that was the only time they really did anything with me.
i listen to loud classic rock when i clean because my mom did. i get on old clothes and just go nuts and sing out loud.
i read cards because of Liv - she must have known how scary it was for me to try to control the things i know and gave me something to direct it. it lessened the dreams and my recurring nightmares.
i get in water when i'm upset because of my Aunt & cousins. the best summers of my life were spent in her pool with them. i stopped wishing i could grow up to be a boy and started wishing i would turn into a mermaid. i grew relatively complacent with the fact that i was a girl.
i dye my hair and mix silk & lace with boy clothes because Viv showed me that i could. i am not afraid of anything punky and wild on my head - it grows out. i like it like that. i love my boy clothes, but i'm still a girl and i think i bridge that gap nicely.
i won't back down in a fight when i'm right because of Myste. she demanded that i demonstrate the strength i have instead of getting used up and walked on. she also taught me to look out for me.
Tish taught me that being the fucking crazy kinda weird is ok and can really be a lot of fun.
Jeff made me get a divorce. then Myste divorced me.
i learned patience from Chip. i needed a lot with him. i also learned a LOT about sex there, too, just to give him proper credit. we learned together. well, us and all the porn.
i learned to not be self conscious and embarrassed in public from Chris, Liv, Joey & Ben. they have all done enough to emotionally scar a lesser person and i stopped blushing years ago.
i learned more than i could ever describe from Mary. she is the most amazing person i have ever met. she is smart, beautiful and full of life. she showed me everything i took for granted in a new way and taught me how to find beauty and joy in the tiniest things. how to be brave and keep your head up. how to do what must be done with a straight face and break down later.
i learned to blow off the little shit from Russ. he was always making little digs and shots at me for being a woman, not being skinny, not wearing shoes, being stronger than him, not wearing makeup, not being demure and generally not acting like a girl is supposed to. i laughed it off. i also laughed when he tried to tell me with whom i was not allowed to have relations. and then i proceeded to have copious amounts of relations with said person. and i ENJOYED it! HA! i also learned how to spot a puppet master at work and how to avoid the strings. i got crafty. i learned to drink a LOT and not have a hangover, how to drive stoned, how to get to and from anywhere in Deep Ellum and how to get complete strangers to tell me anything i want them to.
i learned more patience and fortitude from Angel. how to bluff, how to run someone in circles with semantics, how to lose control, how to maintain it. i learned how to really love someone and that sometimes it hurts more than imaginable but you get through it.
from Liv & Angel i learned that even 2000 miles isn't enough room to not feel the way someone feels, even when they don't tell you about it. i can still feel Tay from across town.
i lost a good deal of shyness due to Jason, Liv, Sarah, Josh, Viv, Tim, Andy, Myste Rodrigue, Joey and a few others. over time, they have told me that i am beautiful when i'm not, brilliant when i know i am, creative and crafty when i feel like i failed, stronger than i have felt when i needed to be pushed, and capable of anything when i wanted to lie down and quit. they regularly pushed me out on the stage and turned on the spot. they have blocked off my exits and helped me brazen it out.
i always think of Ron when i hear Willy Nelson. i always talk to children like they were just short people because it impressed me when he did. i loved him so much i named my daughter after him.
Disintegration brings to mind Becky. i am honest, open and frank because of her. she died far too soon, when we all needed her. when i needed her. i think of her daily, even after all these years.
i don't hesitate to tell people how i feel anymore because Grampa, Gram Ramona, Grandmother, Ron S., Becky and Ron showed me that they can vanish in a second.
the Ms.s Mack, Donegan, Brown, Frey, Stiber, Rodrigue and more all encouraged me to create, act, write, think outside the norm and love learning. i'd not have made it through if it weren't for them.
i look at a million little things i say, do, feel, think, or just am and i can trace most of them back to something. Even my musical tastes! one of my favorite bands, NIN, was given to me by David Zuniga, also the first person to ever just hold me and not say anything. i was going to kill myself and he just grabbed me and held me. i didn't know him well, he is gay so i wasn't a move on me, i didn't tell him anything. that was the first time he really saved my life. the second time, he showed up at my house, unexpectedly, and gave me Pretty Hate Machine right after a bad breakup that i'd not told him about. he told me to listen to it, i needed it right then.
Joey K & Rob K got me hooked on Pearl Jam & Nirvana. Tish brought They Might Be Giants, Siouxie & the Violent Femmes. Josh gave me Bloodhound Gang, Angel gave me Marilyn Manson, Tony the Mook gave me Stone Temple Pilots, Soundgarden and Temple of the Dog. Jenn gave me Ani DiFranco. Sarah, Josh & Jeff gave me Tori & Poe. Liv gave me Toad the Wet Sprocket, 80's, Depeche Mode, Erasure, 2NU, YAZ, Counting Crows and much much more.

1 times i wanted to say "DAMN YOU!" when someone sneezed today.

confessed on Tuesday, Oct. 03, 2006