What is the big deal with sex and relationships?

today i had another great conversation with O. Penguin . . . i am so lucky to have him around! and as we sat there, discussing the past as it was, present as it is, and future as we hope to see it, we answered a few questions left from then, and wondered, what is a "whore"?

i know why i did the things i did when i was younger and wilder. i don't really think my actions ever made sense to anyone else, but i knew. see, when i was a teen, i was very depressed and needy of . . . attention, closeness, companionship . . . ok, sex. at least, i thought that's where i could find those things i avoided at home. i was also drinking a lot and i took any pill handed me, so i was also very reckless and stupid. i chose guys with a certain method. i wanted to feel pretty, but i wanted them to listen to me, too. i needed to feel safe and protected but i needed to know i could take them down, if i felt threatened. i had to feel like i could trust them so i finally ended up falling down for my friends. i didn't want them to leave me. it came down to a bunch of guys who knew me far too well and i deluded myself into thinking they loved me.

now, after my marriage that was in so many ways a disaster, but in some ways one of the roughest learning experiences i have ever had, i had to re-evaluate my views on sex and why i'd even WANT it. don't get me wrong, i am a sexual creature and it is very difficult for me to not relate to the whole world around me as a sensual and arousing place, but if i am already a single mom and i KNOW i do not want a relationship, why do i need sex? i am not in the best position to reproduce any futhur, and i just can't be casual about sexual relationships anymore. there are far too many problems that come with the casual attitude. and every choice i make, no matter how easy or difficult as it seems, i have to envision looking into that beautiful 5 year-old face and in some way justify what i just did.

i in no way would let her dictate my life, but i do use the cause & effect method of choice. if i choose plan A over plan Z, how will i explain it to Roni? now, some of you may think a 5 year old child would never know, but then you have never met mine. i learned my lesson and stopped hiding things from her. i don't always explain the whole of anything, and there are details she never needs to know, but my life is irrevocably tied to her and hers to mine. i refuse to raise an idiot, a sheep, or a mushroom. Roni is free to ask any question and expect an answer. and i am so lucky that she does.

i have learned, from every relationship, something i will always cherish and keep with me. married men are ALWAYS bad news. virgins are not so much better. "players only love you when they're playing . . ." a REAL man will talk to you and hear you and if you find one, never let him go, or some other very smart woman will get him before you wake up from your stupor. a man who tells you his secrets will always come back in some fashion, even if it's just as a friend, because he always was one. a man who laughs at your dreams and doesn't even try to be nice to your friends is just crap. and when ANYONE tells you that you are beautiful, just say, "thank you." even if they need or want something, they are usually saying what they believe to be true.

I love my friends but i really have learned not to like people. i like to meet individuals and truly enjoy the new friends i occasionally make, but each is like a hard-won battle ~ a victory in spite of myself. i tend to stay on the outside and watch what happens. sometimes i am so lonely out here, but then, i see so many surrounded by people and lonely in the middle of it all, so what guarantee is there that by jumping in to the mix, i won't lose who i am? and how does sex fit into a relationship? i want to keep my friends and in my experience, having sex with them is the kiss of death. but, conversely, why would i really want to share my body, mind, soul, dreams, bed, home, child, and life with someone who was NOT my friend? my ex once told me, "You are not my friend, you are only my wife." in that moment, he really, truly, and irreparably broke me of what little love i had in my already wounded heart for him.

i guess, in short, i don't expect much from a relationship. just, as "Vivienne" from Pretty Woman wanted, "the fairy tale". i will never settle for "just" anything again.

Let me know what you want and need on my board.
~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@

You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt

Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey

You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach
***
Hey hey sha la la
Hey hey sha la la
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?
***
Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

***chorus***

Oh, the deeper I spin
Oh, the hunter will sin for your ivory skin
Took a drive in the dirty rain
To a place where the wind calls your name
Under the trees the river laughing at you and me
Hallelujah, heavens white rose
The doors you open
I just can't close
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, your gypsy heart
Don't turn around, don't turn around again
Don't turn around, and don't look back
Come on now love, don't you look back!
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna taste your salt water kisses?
Who's gonna take the place of me?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna tame the heart of thee?


"Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses" by U2

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confessed on 2000-11-03