On the theme of relationships . . . shall we express some of the most important ones so far in my life?
*** i will skip trying to put down every guy i was ever involved with and please understand that to me, time is goofy and relative ~ during most of this time i was very depressed & on some pretty strong drugs that makes it eternally difficult to remember a lot. A good deal that i know about myself at this time is what has been told to me. i do remember moments and feelings, impressions of what i was then; kinda like snapshots of consciousness or a distilled & pure second of time that makes my recollection of these years like a large stained glass window ~ brilliantly colored, crystal-clear, simple, clean, but not too detailed and most of the every-day is lost in the black lines running between the panes. i have heard most people eventually have this feeling as the brain will not retain "useless information" indefinitely, i just remember a moment of someone telling me, "Nice shirt!" and not knowing which one i was wearing with out looking. i was like this in the moment. It was a really stange way to live, that was for sure, but because of the lack of memory i have never felt the need to impair myself with any substances since. i drink on occasion, but no more drugs. They just don't do any good that i can see. Sorry, side tracked, on with the show ***
Rob was one of my favorite boyfriends. Standing next to him i felt so small and cute and he was so sweet and wonderful. He was roughly the size of a professional linebacker with a heart bigger than a mountain. We met on Halloween and i guess he was enchanted enough with his little sis's friend to cancel his plans and just hang with us. Two days later he showed up where i was living at the time to bring me the Halloween candy i had left in the car after T-or-Ting. he came by as often as possible after that and we just hung out and talked and he'd pick me up from work to go to his apartment with his best friends and we'd all have a great time just being around each other. When i moved back into my parents' house and they put me under house arrest, we broke it off. i ran into him a few times after that, but he moved away not too much later and i have not even heard about him in years. He was one of the sweetest guys i ever knew.
Max was so pretty. He was an Asian mutt of sorts and a tennis player with a lean sexy body and a great guitar player. He was the one i leaned the basics of sex from. We weren't all that good, but we were busy! i was about 17 when i got involved with him and my parents overlooked a LOT ~ i TRIED to get caught, but they just ignored it all and later i learned that they were just releived that i was involved with a BOY! He was also a liar and one day he just walked out of the front door of the school building and gave me a hug and said, "Good bye, i'm moving to Houston." and walked away. i was stunned but it was not too long before i found out all about him and just let it all go. But damn, he was hot!
i was a freshman when i fell in love with Tim. I walked into the theatre and there was this guy on stage with the spot on him and he was doing the stupidest extemp i had ever seen and we were all dumber for having seen it, but he had the balls to get up there in front of the Dragon B!tch and actually made it SO FUNNY, that i had to admire him. And i wanted him so bad in some way i did not understand at that time. it took me almost three year to finally meet him. he was so fun and wild; a fey creature that couldn't be controlled or owned and somehow he wanted me! i was all kinds of thrilled and started a relationship that would last for a pretty long while off and on. We were, in the end, just friends, but it was a very odd friendship and there was a lot of sex involved. He got married and would cry on my pillow when they got into a fight until the day she & i met and compared notes to find out he was a huge liar and creep. we busted him on all the lies and i never touched him again. Much later we re-established a delicate friendship, and it worked for a while but he never did grow up and really had no place in my life so when he moved we let it go and i don't really try to keep up. Yes, one of my biggest mistakes, but somehow we understood each other better than most and used each other as we needed at the time. i learned about the varying shades of trust from Tim.
Tony was very strange. i met him once, briefly, at lunch time when i was a senior in high school. It was almost Christmas and i was using pretty heavily and had stopped sleeping altogether, but i guess whatever i said made an impression and a big one, too. i never came back to school after Christmas break as i was in the hospital for three months and i GEDed as soon as possible after i got out but that boy wouldn't let me hide from him. He pursued me relentlessly and with such sweetness that i had to love him. We spent spring and summer living together with another friend of ours and his girlfriend as i was the nanny to her 2 sons and we all partied together all the time and had no real worries just an ideal carefree summer. When fall got close and school was starting to get closer for Tony, he started using & drinking again (he was fresh out of rehab as i was going in for psych), hanging out with his new loser friends more and seeing me less. Then, one day, he just flipped out and we got into a physical fight that freaked me out and i just ran. i wouldn't talk to him and just cut him out of my life as if he'd never been there.
Then there was Chip. i was working at a pizza place and he signed on as an assistant manager. He was so cute with red hair and the greatest butt i had ever seen! He was funny and so nice to me, thoughtful and generous. We had so much to talk about and a lot in common. We were so well matched sexually and could spend hours just getting lost in each other. In November of 1993, we moved in to a trailer with some other friends, Russ (the same one!) and Bert, and we all just partied 24-7. All our friends would show up at any time and stay as long as they liked and we all just crashed where we were when we finally drank our selves stupid and it was all fun and games until i got pregnant. Suddenly, we were adults and we had all these things to do before we had this child and life was spinning out of control. i would turn 20 two months before this child was born. We left that house and moved in with his parents and things were ok until three months after Roni was born. He just walked out one day to stay at his best friend's house for a week or two and "figure it all out". In reality, he was out partying every night again and i was stuck there at his mom's. i finally got the truth out of a mutual friend and busted up his party and we got into the worst fight ever. i was devastated that this man i just had a child with was out sowing more oats with some little whore he had just met! Eventually, his mom forced him to "come home" and made us share the same bed convinced that "nature would take it's course" and preached daily that as we had this child we still needed to get married. It took the poor guy several months and a few blood tests before i was at all forgiving. We got married the month before Roni turned a year old in October of 1995. We had own own place for a while but he never could keep a job and i couldn't support us just by being a checker at a grocery store so we moved in with my parents when we lost the house. After a lot of work we paid off some of the huge debt he had from the school he never finished and his other reckless spending, we got another house. He finally had a job that paid good money and we had a three bedroom house with a huge backyard and it should have been bliss, but somewhere between all the fun we'd had in that first trailer and this house, we had changed. He got more responsible in some ways and learned to control his temper, i became an adult but one with no life, friends, or self-esteem. We had nothing to say to each other any more. Somehow as i held together this little family i had changed to be what he said he wanted. i stopped cutting my hair and dying it. i got rid of my friends. i quit working to be an at home mom. My favorite movies disappeared. My music tapes were suddenly broken. The clothes he didn't like would just vanish or end up ripped one day. i never noticed it happening. It came to the point where i was very deeply depressed and stopped getting out of bed. i went to several doctors and finally got medicated again and started coming out of it. That's when he left for good. He just stopped coming home and then showed up one day as i was packing our stuff up and picked a fight that he knew he could lead. i walked right into it. i yelled, "So, if you hate it here so much why not just leave?!" and he just went to the bedroom and picked up a bag he'd packed days before and said, "OK." and left. i was floored. My whole world had just ended and i had no idea what to do. This was the fall of 1997. Somehow i got through it by living one second to the next and making sure Roni had what she needed, but i don't know how. He was still coming around for a while and i thought we could work things out until i found out how many other women he was seeing. Then, about three months after he had walked out, he asked for a divorce. i stated screaming. not the best reaction, i know, but i was still addicted, scared, confused, and i didn't want to do this alone. i finally told him to go get his divorce. He would have to do it all himself with his own money and i'd be damned if he would get custody. He agreed and i slowly recovered. Chip is now a new daddy all over again with his new girlfriend and they have their own life and set of problems, but Roni is in love with her baby and his girlfriend & i have a tenuous friendship based on our love of Roni. He hates it, but oh, well. i stay out of thier personal lives and don't see them much. We have fought hard over nothing and made up with shaky promises. We learned that we are not the people we married anymore and not even the people we were when we broke up. There are moments when i see a man in there somewhere i could respect and like. Sometimes he actually sees something in me that surprises him. i doubt we will ever be friends as we never were, but one day we may learn to get along for more than 5 minutes.
There were other guys in there; some bad, some good, some just not all that memorable and other i can't mention for many reasons. i have loved almost all of them. at least in some way.
Say anything.~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@ ~{@
Yeah right! (One, two, three, four.)
Break down and shake for me.
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to be.
Nothing even tastes right now that it's over.
Break down and shake for me.
Don't write words unless you want me to read them.
Nothing really matters now that it's over.
Maybe we can be friends now that we're older.
We can have fun like we did in the early days, now that it's over.
Yeah right! Break down and shake for me.
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be.
Nothing ever seems right now that it's over.
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends.
Maybe we can be closer.
We can have fun like we did in the old days now that it's over.
Oh yeah... My bad dreams just don't seem the same, baby, without you.
Oh, I wish you were willing to accept the blame,
yeah, for everything you do.
My nightmares just don't scare me now, baby, without you.
I wish that I could find the words to tell in the best way possible...
you and your friends to go to hell. Yeah right! Whoa...
Break up time is never easy to do.
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to.
Nothing seems to make sense now that it's over.
Yeah, now maybe we can be friends.
Yeah, now that you're leaving.
You can be nice to me, maybe I'm dreaming.
I am a lot better now than just okay.
Maybe I am just waking up in my own way now that it's over.
Now that it's over.
My bad dreams just don't seem the same, baby, without you.
I wish you were willing to accept the blame,
yeah, for all the shitty things you do.
Nightmares just don't scare me now, baby, without you.
I wish that I could find the words to tell you to politely go fuck yourself.
Yeah, now that it's over. Now that it's over...
("Congratulations, a fetishist and an obsessive. You will be very happy together.")
Now That it's Over by Everclear
confessed on 2000-11-05