i'm on FIRE this week! This will be four in a row! Yay-Go-Me!
i was just told by the fifth person today that i resemble my daughter, no, wait, look just like her! Wait a damn minute here! Who was here first?! That WOULD be me! Oh, well, Ra told me i looked like i was in highschool again. As in 16. *Retch!* No one i know has been able to provide me with solid proof i survived that time in my life and why would i want to "go with it"? i guess i deserve some of this in a way, though i will say in my defence, i did NOT do it on purpose.
About two months ago . . . oh, hell, i should start at the beginning . . . When Chip-head finally aquired the balls to ask for the divorce, i came to teh immediate conclusion that he had finally found someone else he would be serious about for a few years. i was right, and her name was Myste. i immediatly hated her. (That was a no-brainer, i mean, suuure, he had left me BEFORE he met her, but she was the one he chose to replace me, so . . . death to the imposter! She'll NEVER be Roni's mom! etc . . .) Then i met her and i LIKED her. Myste won me over when she stated outright that she never wanted kids, had no plans to even try to be Roni's mom, in fact, hated kids, but having met Roni, loved her and was thrilled to be her friend. She refused to wipe her butt, "That's her FATHER'S job." she declared. It's really hard to hate some one when you just want to hug them silly. Roni loved her instantly and they painted nails together and did her hair and bought clothes and were "girls" together. Myste & i got along really well and hung out together when Chip-head wasn't around for the next 18 months or so. We sat down and spilled all the secrets and crap about Chip and his family during the first week and agreed to never speak about those two subjects again. It worked very well until 'Big Gay Al' showed up.
By this time Myste was about 4 months pregnant and Chip-head was never home. They fought a lot and she was in the panicked state many pregnant women go through and she, by Jeff's account made a play for him after he announced his intentions to pursue me. There was a sudden push for Chip-head to get the divorce that he still hadn't tried to get and i had just filed the paperwork for child support & custody. All this at once and then i decided to keep Roni for a weekend. i had to call the police to remove her from my door. It got pretty ugly and as soon as it all calmed down, Jeff just packed up and left a note while i was at work one day and his best friend's wife explains that yes, i was right, he was gay. Myste came by one day and apologised, something i know she has never done before. i said, "Thank you, that was nice . . . did you have a POINT here?" and asked her to leave. Yeah, i earned that bitch award. So we were still not speaking nine months later and most of the communications were being filtered through Darth Mom, Chip-head's mother. On the day in question, i thought they were to have Roni (she told me they were) so i show up and Roni just opens the door to walk in with out knocking. Then backs up fast and slams it. She whispers to me, "Mom! It was SEX!" She didn't seem upset or shocked so i'm guessing it wasn't much, so i took the moment to discuss knocking on the door, even if you live there. It's polite. In the ensuing hour we all three ended up in a screaming match in their front yard with the neighbors watching, fascinated, while his fiancee stepped up to his wife and we were seconds from a really bad cat fight when he stepped in the middle and we both turned on him. By the time Roni and i left, Myste and i had talked out the problem that started it all that day and covered enough of the past that she apologised some more and even listed, individually, all the bad things she had done. They weren't as bad as all he said she'd done, but his version was pretty outrageous and loosely based on very few facts. And he's a huge fucking liar, too. So i thought about it for a week and then agreed to give it another shot. i have put some more distance between us than we had originally and she understands the need to keep my life seperate from theirs. The day i finally made up with her, she asked me to be her live model at school as she had a test and had to wash, cut, and style a real person's hair. i agreed. The day i was scheduled for slaughter was this last Saturday. i went.
Myste wanted me over anyone else because she knows i really don't care too much what my hair looks like and that i had been growing the black out of my hair for about 4 months and it was getting too long for me. i had begun to dye the roots strange colors just to see the way it worked with the black. By now i had been through several shades of red & orange and some of the blondes and was planning purple for that weekend, actually, and my hair was at 6" of black / 6" of whatever color i had right then. i also have a habit that disturbs my sis (who is also a model). i will walk into any $7 shop that catches my eye and tell them to do whatever they like to my hair. If there is a cut you always wanted to try, go ahead! Just one warning: I will NOT fix my hair after i leave here! i will wash it and comb it out of my face. When it gets long i will pull it back into a ponytail or twist it into a clip. i really DON'T care. Myste has see me get some of the coolest cut this way and knows that there is no pressure and i could sit for HOURS and let people play with my hair. Also, she finally gets to give me the style she always wanted to see on me. The cut didn't turn out quite as she wanted it to, but she liked it and it's short so i'm happy. i took my contacts out last night to be cleaned, so i am wearing my glasses, and it was cold and rainy again this morning so i chose jeans and a silver/navy/white plaid men's button up with my grey zip up hooded sweatshirt. And a headband to keep my hair out of my face as it is too short to push behind my ears. There! Now you understand why i now look like a 5 year old. yippy for me!
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Doctor, my eyes have seen the years
And the slow parade of fears without crying
Now I want to understand
I have done all that I could
To see the evil and the good without hiding
You must help me if you can
Doctor, my eyes
Tell me what is wrong
Was I unwise to leave them open for so long
'Cause I have wandered through this world
And as each moment has unfurled
I've been waiting to awaken from these dreams
People go just where there will
I never noticed them until I got this feeling
That it's later than it seems
Doctor, my eyes
Tell me what you see
I hear their cries
Just say if it's too late for me
Doctor, my eyes
Cannot see the sky
Is this the prize for having learned how not to cry?
"DOCTOR MY EYES" by Jackson Browne
confessed on 2000-11-08