First, i know it's been a few days. It really couldn't be helped much as we have COPC here, where i work, auditing us to see if we can be 100% certified as a company which will be some kind of record-breaking-new-thing-never-been-done-before. For people not familiar with call-center life, COPC is the company that sets the standard and then they audit your company to tell you if you are good enough for their accreditation. If you get the accreditation, your center suddenly looks like a 21 year old cheerleader co-ed to your prospective clients. Most companies do not bother unless one of their clients require it, and then they only try for the location that the demanding client in served at. We have no clients demanding this. As my company is trying to re-invent themselves, we really need this to look good and win new clients with more money. It would make us the equivalent of a pro model entering a local pageant . . . no one would be able to compete. Back 'round to the reason for this whole paragraph ~ i have been too busy to get on the net at work and Roni has needed me more this week.
i had an offer for more money at work. A dollar an hour to take night shift. i had to decline because i can't work it around Roni. i REALLY hate that. i was so pissed last night, my head was on fire. It is not Roni at all. i do what i do FOR her & myself. It's having to do it all on my own for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad . . . get the picture? This is CRAP! Why is it that he can be so cheap to settle for the first woman who wants him and let her do the work so he can go back to just being "backup" and i have to have principals? I have to have a heart that can break and self respect? WHY?! Why is it that good women will put up with him? (and other men like him!) i did and i don't know for sure why other than the fear of being alone and defenseless ~ ineffectual. The fear of doing what i do every day . . . fighting to make it to the next day with out showing Roni how bad it really is. The (irrational, i know) fear that one day, i will drop one of the balls i try to keep up in the air and some faceless machine will come and take my baby away because i am not good enough. Fear and caffeine. That's what i live on. That's what gets me from today to today since tomorrow never will get here and yesterday is a joke. i don't WANT to do this all by myself! i am tired. i am angry and scared. i am mean, exacting, and heartless. i have to be because one little misstep . . . the tightrope we are walking on has no net. My parents are there, but how much can i really expect them to do with out losing all my self respect? They do not have all that much money and they are sending my sister to college for 4 years starting this year and my brother starts in two years. So, do they pay the price for my mistakes? i can't ask that. Darth Mom's price is way too high. She wants control. i will die first, bitch. Chip is worthless when it comes to helping anyone but himself. i have some really great friends but what can they really do? They all love my daughter but i am the only one with a child, so they only know how to spoil her. Some days are really a breeze, but when you have a whole day packed with trivial shit that has all gone wrong and the child you are working so hard for is at the middle of most of it screwing up how do you step back in that moment and remember she is only five? Especially when you KNOW she is smarter than that and is just pushing to see how far she can get?
My mom is always on my ass for the way i deal with Roni. i love my mom, but let's face it, my sister is a princess and i was pretty screwed up. (*NOTE: a princess is not the worst thing in the world, and i lived through it all and i am stronger for it, but . . . ) Maybe there are things i could be doing better or things i'm just doing wrong, but i am NOT repeating her mistakes, so, back off, Mom. My child is secure in the love i have for her. She talks to me about her problems. She knows that no matter what i will always love her and fight for her even if i think she is wrong. She knows i will tell her the truth and help her find the answers i don't know. All of these things i didn't have as a child. i fight for the last shred of self control when i am angry so i don't hurt or scare her ~ just discipline. Yes, unfortunately, she also knows that mommy yells sometimes, but she stands there and listens and corrects what i yell in her soft sweet voice and it brings me back down. She does not fear me. She hates my disappointment. She detests the discomfort and embarrassment of having a spanking and the loneliness of sitting alone in a room with her misdeeds when she can hear me dancing in the next room to our favorite songs while i cook the dinner she wanted to help with. She is so excited to jump off the bus and tell me how she got a stamp so se can hear me yell and laugh. She is always excited to know what her surprise is for being so good. i really make a big deal out of the good stuff so she doesn't have to go out of her way and be bad to get attention and she doesn't. i love her more than life. i just don't always have faith i will get through "today".
Naomi has told me several times that she admires how strong i am. And the courage it takes to fight from one day to the next. She even said once that she was weak and didn't want to leave her husband because (out of many reasons not here) she didn't want to do it all alone. i don't know if all that's true, because he left me and i went down fighting. i did not want to let him go. And it takes a different type of strength to fight for your marriage and to work, daily, to make it good. i admire her perseverance when even i might have given up. She is the product of her life & experiences as i am the product of mine and i love her and respect her views even when i do not understand them. She once stated that, in her opinion, monogamy was a fantasy that no longer has no real applicable place in reality other than in the short term. i have not found the perfect person for me. i think if i do, i'd prolly deck them. i know i'd screw it up somehow . . . but i will not stop believing that it's possible to find that person. so i am a pessimestic romantic realist. nothing new there. i see all sides to everything and, like it or not, spend most of my time playing devil's advocate as i am the only one who will. Give me a topic and i can argue for or against until people really believe or at least give a good, strong mind something to really think on. It makes it hard sometimes to figure out how i really feel, but it is a talent.
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things were going pretty well 'till i died
on that summer afternoon
when you broke down before my eyes
well i got a streak of meaness
a clumsy way of speaking
and i don't know where i get it from
it must run in my family
do i have to go down on my knees ?
this is my 16th apology to you
with friends like me who needs enemies
i got a river inside the size of my rage
which is really something else
when you think of my tender age
well i got a way about me
but it's hard for me to see it
and i don't know when i'm in the wrong
why am i so hard to please ?
this is my 16th apology
do i have to go down on my knees for you
with friends like you who needs enemies
the things i said about you
were all sand yesterday
i didn't mean to hurt you
maybe we could work it out someday
"My 16th Apology" by Shakespears Sister
confessed on 2000-11-15