Afternoon! or "Evening!" as the case may be . . . how is everyone today? (kinda quiet out there . . . is anybody home? am i all alone here?) HEY, LOOK AT ME! i AM A SMALL PERFORMING DOG! i WEAR A COLLAR AND A TU-TU AND BELLS! i DO DANCES AND TRICKS! AM i CUTE OR WHAT!? READ ME! READ ME! ok, so maybe only 2 people will have half a clue each right now, and since Liv & Rizzen don't know each other . . . you may all be lost! That's ok, though, i am usually lost so now we are all in the same place!
i don't have a lot to say today as i am still sick and i made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow, but i am going to see about a walk-in tonight if i can. i now have a sinus infection for sure and i am working on bronchitis and possibly some strep for good measure. At least i don't have mono again. i have had it twice so far and DAMN IT SUCKS! i had the distinction of (MAKING? BREWING? AQUIRING?) mono the hard way both times. Let me tell you it is hard to do. Kids, don't try this one at home. The last time i had mono, i also had total sinus infect, both ears, tonsilitis, strep, and a complete upper respitory infect. i was sure i was dying. i lost so much weight that i looked dead. and (as O.Penguin so kindly pointed out not too long ago) even WHITER than i already am! (this is only really funny if you know someone so pale that thier skin is transparent ~ like mine.) i remember he said even my lips were white and he thought that was so odd. Anyways i am feeling like crap in general but not bad enough to justify all the bitching i just did about being sick. OH POOR PATHETIC ME! yeah, right.
Roni spent all of yesterday (Sunday for anyone not sure what today is . . . ) with my Mom and her new EZ-Bake oven. My Dog, she was GLIMMERING when i picked her up! The girl was so excited to show me the tiny cake she and Nana made that she was actually wiggling like an excited puppy! i guess my Mom picked the right birthday gift . . . i got her a new pair of black shoes and took her to Bennigan's for dinner even though i was sick and didn't want to go anywhere that night (Friday? yeah, i think so.). i worked 12 hours yesterday so i could have four 7 hour days Mon-Thurs ~ 8a-3p. This freakiness is my normal schedule so that i can drop Roni off and pick her up. Just like a real mom. i sometimes feel guilty for all the changes she has had to put up with and that i have to work at all, but i know it's my sanity at stake. Even if i was suddenly independantly wealthy tomorrow, i would work. i have to. i love sewing, really. i don't always have time to keep my apartment dusted and could fill up a week with shit to do, but i would go NUTS! hey, i gave it a shot when i could and hated it. i ended up so depressed i stoped it all and slept all day every day and had panic attacks at the thought of leaving the house until my Mom made me go to a nuroligist who put me back on medication. It's creepy, i tell ya, the way some people need to be useful, needed.
And isn't it funny how some doctor who will NEVER REALLY KNOW YOU can listen to you babble nonsence to him about how you are tired all the time and cry for no reason and suddenly he can tell you who you are! How many people every day are TOLD they are sick? Just a thought. i mean, i have the attention span of a flea, my short term memoriy is shot, and i can't sit still to save my life, but does this mean i need to be on drugs? No. Unequivically, NO! How many creative, free, beautiful people have been stunted simply to prevent the ups & downs and the unconventional questions and behavior OTHER people don't like? i was in a psych ward for 3 months and met some wonderful people including an 8 year old girl whose family apparently had no concept of birth control as they had something like 6 or more kids (most YOUNGER than her) and she was mildly retarded and had grown volatile from being picked on all the time. The first time i met her she marched right up to me with her thumb in her mouth and her glasses crooked, her huge blue eyes absurdly magnified by only one lense and the other looking like a half risen moon and she just stares at me for a minute. then she slowly draws he thumb out of her mouth trailing a sparkling net of saliva and says, slowly and thickly as she has a mild speech impediment, "HI. i'm Adrienne. I HATE YOU." There was this huge pause as she sucks the web back into her mouth and then, "Does that hurt your feelings? Did that make you sad? DO YOU HATE ME?" i was just sitting there looking at her and wondering why a little girl would do and say these things and wondering if i'd fallen into the Twilight Zone. I finally answered her that i really didn't know her yet so her opinion couldn't hurt me, but that she wouldn't make many friends with that approach and i really needed some friend right then, so could we start over. She looked so shocked at my response as if no one had ever been nice to her before. She turned out to be a little needy of attention, but a very sweet and well-behaved girl. She would sit for hours and play with all my earrings and touch the pendant on the necklace i'd made and just talk to me. we both cried when i left ~ her for losing i guess her only friend and me because i'd overheard she was in there awaiting "residential" (for those of you unknowing "residential" is a PERMANENT home for people no one can {or will} handle.). That was true "unfairness". Condemning a sweet little girl to residential simply because her parents had too many normal kids to bother with her! You know, my family was up there every Friday during the visiting hours but i only saw hers up there once in all my 3 months in there with her. i still wonder what is happening to her and hope she has at least one friend out there wherever she is. i still get so angry when i think of her in a locked room every night.
Oh, hell, i think i'll take my co-dependant ass off the 'net and do some work. sorry fir the downer, guys. i don't know why i told you about Adrienne today, but it just came when i typed and i guess someone will read it and hopefully think for a minute.
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i wish i was a neutron bomb, for once i could go off
i wish i was a sacrifice, but somehow still lived on
i wish i was a sentimental ornament that you hung on
the christmas tree, i wish i was the star that went on top
i wish i was the evidence, i wish i was the grounds
for fifty million hands upraised and open toward the sky
i wish i was a sailor with someone who waited for me
i wish i was as fortunate as fortunate as me
i wish i was a messenger and all the news was good
i wish i was the full moon shining off of a camaro's hood
i wish i was an alien at home behind the sun
i wish i was the souviener you kept your house key on
i wish i was the pedal brake that you depended upon
i wish i was the verb to trust that never let you down
i wish i was a radio song the one that you turned up
i wish i wish...
"Wishlist" ~ by Pearl Jam
confessed on 2000-11-27