OMD! It's 10 am and i have yet to have caffiene! No WONDER i already feel like someone is trying to pry the top of my head off! brb.
Aaahhhhh . . . better!
Sorry for the lack of an entry yesterday. NaomiBeth & i were reading all the back issues of Rizzn's journal. He is really great, guys, tho most of you know it already. it was really weird to go back and read as he goes through all this year and get mad and sad and the urge to get even for him, etc . . . and i'm only in April! And he's right ~ it IS really cool to see somone comment on your diary. i mean, it's not like we are all here for the ego trip or anything, but to see someone e-mail you, link you, or even refer to your diary is a great giddy rosey happy making thing! Really. On that note, BEWARE THE BIG PINK FROS! Man, you are brave . . .
My week so far has been pretty boring. It's mostly consisted of me, here at Mom's, on the computer surfing and reading. i used to be endlessly amused by the sounds i have set on this computer, but some are beginning to get old. Hearing the creepy swamp guy from "The Waterboy" yell, "You can DO it!" every time i minimize is gonna drive me nuts. i am removing that one today. Yesterday i just kept the speakers off most the time. The one i just can't get enough of is the one from "Monty Python ... Holy Grail" where God is saying "Every time i try to talk to someone it's 'sorry' this and 'forgive me' that and 'i'm not WORTHY'!" i have all three messengers set to play that when somone comes online. Tee-hee-hee! It always makes me laugh! And the Old Plague Guy yells "i'm not DEAD!" when i close an application. My Dad & i were laughing our asses off when we set it up and now Roni walks about quoting the computer and giggling! i guess Monty Python is better than "Dick, Dick, Dick! Dick! Dick! " which is a HUGE inside joke but as far as Roni knows it's the name of the little black cat on the dash of my truck, OK?!
Now, guys, sit DOWN for this one! Chip and i have been talking lately! We are actually getting along and not having to PRETEND to be nice. We are even joking with each other and LAUGHING! i damn near freaked out here. Really. i mean, there is so much more to our prevoius relationship that i could never express in a million entries and you would all get so bored with the explanations of the subleties and nuances of all the ways we TRIED to hurt each other. Suffice it to say, of everybody in the world he was the one i could really have gone the rest of my life happy to never speak to again. Well, him AND his mother, Darth Mom. It seem that since i waived all the past due child support he has been in awe of me or something . . . i mean, he has a new baby at home and what's done is done ~ Roni was taken care of then ~ so why screw him now? i know it was several thousand dollars and i really could have used it, but really, what would i spend it on? My truck is almost paid off, i will begin to get the support as of December, and the past due would have been some piddly amount spread out over YEARS added to the monthly check, so how is $5-10 a month really gonna help? Anyways, we have been talking on the phone and stuff for a few weeks now and hedoesNOThaveacomputerorknowaboutthissitethankyouverymuch! We were laughing and discussing which TMNT we were as a kid (just STOP LAUGHING, ok? i STILL love the Turtles . . .) and i said i liked Leo and he was blue, the boss, and carried the Katana blades ~ and he interrupted me and said
"Well, GOOD, 'cause i was always Don!"
and i yelled back, " Nuh-uhhh! i was Donatello! You DID'T LET ME FINISH!"
and he said "You CAN'T be DON! iiii'm DON! You're better suited to being Mike ~ he only wanted to party!"
"Hey! What's THAT mean?!?! i thought you'd be Raphael ~ he was always the ANGRY ONE! and remember how much you LOVED the nunchukus?!"
"i am NOT angry!"
"Suuuure . . . riiight! Whatever! You are ALWAYS angry!AND i AM DONATELLO!"
"Heh heh, yeah . . . you always COULD handle a shaft . . . "
and That's where we both realized (A) what we were saying and (B) that we had enjoyed the conversation and we were laughing TOGETHER! We quickly changed the subject and got off the phone as soon as possible, but it gave me a nauseated feeling for the rest of the day . . . he'd also said someting about how he could have used the distraction and amusement of me stopping by the Home Depot he worked at . . . i wasn't sure how to take that one, either, so i just let it lie. i still don't know how to handle it . . . can i ever learn to be close-to-friendly with this man? Can i afford not to try? i am so fucked in the head, i tell you.
Roni is lucky as a lot of Dad's just don't give a shit ~ even when they LIVE with you. i am lucky, too on that note. My dad adopted me so i could really be his and we would all have the same name. We absolutely hated each other for years but with a grudging respect and admiration for our opponent. And some rare moments of accord. Give us each rifles and we were content to stomp around the grasslands together in the same clothes for three days . . . hey, i never said we made sense! Now that we all went through therapy together as a family, and Dad & i for some one-on-one, we get along really well. i love my Dad ~ even if he doesn't understand my decisions, he will always back me up.
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Sleeping through the evening singing dreams inside my head
I'm heading out I've got some ins who say they care and they just might
I run away with you if things don't go as planned
Planning big could be a gamble I've already rolled the dice
I spit and stutter stuff and clutter worries in my worried corner
Maladjusted just untrusted rusted sometimes brilliant busted thoughts
Think I'll stay for a while I'm intrigued and I'm red as a newborn white as a corpse
* I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
Promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
Promise not to lie if I'm looking you straight in the eye
Promise not to try not to let you down *
I am elated I am all smiles and dated in my man bites dog town with a Spanish name
I am all bone I am two tone red as a newborn white as a corpse
* I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
Promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
Promise not to lie if I'm looking you straight in the eye
Promise not to try not to let you down
(so let me down . . . slow)
Why you gotta keep the fan on high when it's cold outside
Just want to let you know that I'm still a fan, get it?
Everybody wants charm and a smile and a promise
I promise not to try
* I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind
Promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine
Promise not to lie if I'm looking you straight in the eye
I promise not to try not to not to not to leave
"Promise" ~ by Eve6
go to the site! it's just beautiful!
confessed on 2000-12-01