i got to hold a four-day-old little baby boy in my arms yesterday! Oh! i didn't want to give him back! Ex is the cutest baby and he has the BEST facial expressions! His momma is a whole damn dairy, so he was pretty comfortable on my chest and he fell right to sleep and was so happy just curled around me with his ear to my heart . . . he was fussy when i got there, but he shushed the second i took him and talked to him!!!!!!! He immediatly recognized my voice!!!! i feel so special! It has been YEARS since i have held such a young little baby and i missed it a LOT! i can't wait to go back . . .
"I had a dream last night
'Cause it looked just like a dream
I had a dream last night
But it looked unlike a dream
Mercy, mercy, I'm made of parts
Make me a suit so I can get it off
Heaven help my head is spin'n round
Stop this airplane cause I got to get down"
"Whatever" by the Butthole Surfers "Romeo + Juliet" soundtrack
i really did have a dream Friday night. i had a pretty good day and had chatted with Rizzn (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!) and my dad tossed me out on my ear at midnight so i went home and went to bed as i had a headache that seemed to be getting stronger. i had the strangest dream, so here goes:
i don't remember who or how but when i entered the dream i was pregnant. It was not known at the time but they were triplets. i was content and happy as was Roni and there were no men around so, hey, whatever. i wasn't "screwed-over-bitter" but i wasn't looking, either.
Next, i had my own house. And a time-share lake house in some woods somebody had just gifted to me. i was doing some nice, homey, own-my-own business thing but i do not know what it was. i had a couple really great assistants who i really trusted implicitly but i never really met them during the dream, so i can't decribe them to you. i had "comfortable money".
So, i go into labor and it was hell, pain i never imagined (Roni was by c-section) and not a drug to be had. The first baby was born and it was a boy. The nurse says,
"OH, NO! i think we're losing him!"
then she hands him to me quickly and as i hold him he dies but at very that moment i deliver the second one and it's a girl so when i look again . . . he is gone, but i am still laboring and haven't registered the loss yet. The third follows quickly and is another girl, both are perfect and identical twins; the boy was, of course, fraternal. They were so beautiful, i tell you ~ perfect. They didn't show the trauma of birth AT ALL. And they were so placid and sweet . . . happy babies.
i was ok after the birth but preoccupied with and depressed by my son's death, so the four of us went to the lake house to help me recover. Roni was about 10 in this dream, so she helped with the girls a lot. i think one was named "Seraphina" and the other i don't remember. The lake house was actually this really huge lodge that had tons of bedrooms, but a small den/library huge living area, porch, and dining room on the ground floor. There was this guy there at the time, but he said he didn't mind that we were there, too. He loved Roni and played with the babies some but never asked me why there was not a man with us.
i don't remember his name but he was quiet in a comfortable way and just "around" whenever we needed anything and we five would somtime lie on the floor in the den on this huge oriental carpet and stare at the stained glass ceiling (???????) during the afternoon and then all three of us would cook dinner together while the babies napped. It was just comfortable.
Then the home-owner's association creeps came along and started bitching about this guy who they had all loved but now was supposedly was some kind of morally deficient creep because he was shaing the lodge place with me. They called me a 'whore' and my girls 'bastards' and wouldn't let us play any reindeer games. They were really mean to us and here i was trapped in a depression and crying on the front steps about how i should have screamed for them to revive my son when he died but i didn't and i just kept remembering that his face . . . and eyes . . . and soul seem to remind me of someone very special to me but i couldn't remember just WHO. And that he seemed to love me so much and forgive me in that moment when he died and i felt like i could never forgive myself. It seemed to me that he had been someone i knew who had gone through all that just to see me one last time and i wanted to know WHY.
i never did figure that out, and there was no romance with the guy but we had taken to sharing a bed plutonically just for someone to be close to because i was having some pretty bad nightmares. And i finally had a show-down with the head bitch and i let her know what i thought of her but i did it with only the guy as a witness so i didn't hurt her "facade". i think she dropped her whole thing after that becaues of some grudging respect for me, but i don't remember much else because i was coming close to waking . . .
. . . in my freezing apartment. Freezing because the heat was off since the morning before and i'd just not noticed when i went to bed. So, i took a shower designed to fry my skin off but somehow it didn't and went to go hold the sweetest baby in the world.
no song today as i sorta gave you one already and the one i wish to give you really doesn't have words . . . "Pimpf" by Depeche Mode
confessed on 2000-12-03