WELL, GUYS, LADIES AND GENTS, PAT. i HAVE SOME VERY BAD STUFF HERE.

GIVEN:

i AM AN IDIOT.

GIVEN:

i MARRIED A WHOLE ASS.

CURRENT SITUATION:

HE HAS SCREWED ME AGAIN.

DETAILS:

There is no support check. And there won't be one. He quit his Home Depot job when they were supposed to start taking the money out of his check and didn't disclose to his new employer that he is a NCP and so the support division has recieved no money from him and he obviously has no intention of paying. Merry fucking Christmas to me. And no, i don't want comiseration, i want a fucking boot party. But no, i will hit him with every legal recourse i have until he goes away. He is a pretend Daddy. His daughter loves him so much but he just wants to give her things and ignore her. But she CRAVES his affection. This has really made me so angry i have to be careful not to use big words or descriptives as to avoid incriminating myself. Sometimes it is really too much to be Roni's only parent because she needs so much that i feel so inadequate and i resent that. i don't resent her, just how much i have to be to her and only sometimes. i know it's not her fault. i am done with this, but i have only just begun. i am going to pursue divorce with full custody to me and no rights to him. i hate this so much but i am done being his stupid victim. i want it done and over. i want him in jail. i want to set him up tied and gagged in the back room of a gay biker bar ~ with a billy-club option ~ so he can get to know how i feel in my dealings with him. And YES, i'D CHARGE! $5 for every 10 minutes! $50 for an hour! Followed by some speed while the pain is fresh so he can savor the feeling for a while with out the possibility of passing out. And then he has to watch as his toenails are ripped off followed by some pubic Epilady. And he needs Syphilus ~ a full blown case ~ really bad and a few other diseases. With Mononucleosis on top of that to let the diseases really run rampant and prolong the recovery. i want to take a hammer to his big screen TV and the rest of the entertainment center. And set fire to his antique piano. And BBQ his fish. Speaking of BBQ . . . . they can't re-attach . . . no, i'll leave that for the long term of the Syph. But his knees can go. As can his pretty face. I think he needs some tribal looking carvings on his face. A work of art called . . . umm . . . "wolf attack".

But i won't. And i am going to stop typing this now as i have probably turned a few stomachs and lost some readers who are calling the FBI on me right now. i have had hours upon hours to contemplate these kinds of things in the last two years. Did you know that you also breathe through your skin and to completely seal up someone's skin would eventually kill them? i am a trivia buff and i have a head chock full of this stuff. Sometimes these thoughts are all that help me get to the next second, the next breath, without screaming. There is an elephant on a school bus on my chest right now. He's thumbing for a cement truck. And my head's on fire. i wish i was the firestarter. i wish i had dangerous brain powers. Maybe it's good i don't.

Are you feeling better yet, Crackbaby? i hope so. It was great chatting with you yesterday! How much Hypothetical Chicken Soup did you get in you e-mail? Is your computer all sticky with it yet? ; )

i want to thank Randy for posting for me today via e-mail. You are wonderful and no, you don't want to be any further into this than you already are. Thank you so much for listening to me rant and rave and try not to cry because i am at work and i look like shit when i cry and my face gets all splotchy and hideous. Thank you for all the support even when i miss your games and forget to call. Just thank you.

[Editor's Note: You're welcome!]

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Today's song:

DROPPING PLATES
by Disturbed

Wew
Here we go again, get up
A little somethin' for your earhole,
Get up baring a part of my soul again, get up
Disturbed in the house, were droppin' plates
You said it couldn't be done
Told me that it's the kind of battle
That just couldn't be won, you know
You're too sick, too hard, too fucked in the head
You'll never make it, no, not in this lifetime

Well guess again my friend
Don't act suprised
We got the bass drum kick
That will blow out your eyes
Cause when you hear this shit
You'll get to steppin'

Gonna fight the war
And use my music as a weapon
You know I'm talkin' bout Recognition
You know I'm talkin' bout Vindication

Another goddamn slap in the face
Don't wanna give us a place
Are you afraid?
Well fear this,

Cause I'm breakin' through the walls of your nightmare
Wake up time to die
The way I'm livin' there is no compromising it
Better get ready for
Another suprise and it may leave a mark

Because I'm coming fast
Plantin' thoughts in your mind
And droppin' plates on your ass
Well here I come
I'm droppin' plates on your ass
Well here I come
I'm droppin' plates on your ass bitch

You never mind and you don't need this
Well here I come
I'm droppin plates on your ass bitch
You never mind and you don't need
Well on your mark, here we go again
Well never mind cause you're not number one
You're too hard and from the other side
I think it's time to bring it home again
Right to me

Go listen to the song, and read some Clive Barker. So sexy and so sick, i love Barker. "He rocks my world!"

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confessed on 2000-12-06