Wow. that was a huge entry yesterday! i just sat down to put together a quick hello on the wrong day and look at what i get! it's bad, i almost didn't get it done, but there was no one in chat, so i was good and worked hard, typed swiftly and posted without checking it over the usual 10 times to fix all the little things like my crappy typing and word-association hybrid spellings.
[Editor's Note: Not that it matters much when she DOES check it... you should see what this entry looked like before I corrected it. And she had time to proof it herself today!]
{LOOK! It's "The second coming of the editor's note!" Randy, do ya think i don't eventually READ MY OWN DAMN DIARY?! Buck up and stop bragging about your superior typing skills. i conceded that long ago. When YOU get a diary, then you can bitch bout mine, sweetie! and BTW: Thanks! ~ mis ;"> }
Knowing that i didn't even LOOK at the entry has haunted me since, but my family was putting up the tree and all the decorations last night so i was claimed by a higher force. Dad could still beat my ass if he tried so i don't want to risk it. This is the same guy who hit CTRL+A followed by DELETE on his C drive once because the computer told him he didn't have enough of something to play his Fighter Ace WWII flying game. He can be a bit tense on occasion. That computer never did fully recover from the shock and is still a nervous wreck that hides in the corner of the empty back bedroom. i offered it safety but . . . oh, well, i may be able to rescue it someday.
OK, i have a confession to make. i have been avoiding Russ for about a month. Or two. i just had too much of him for a while and had to let him go. See, Russ is a little odd. -er. than even me. He has this way about him that draws people in and then repels them at twice that speed. He is very anal and verbose, even by MY standards! He knows this and i have never said anything about him that i haven't told him and i do love him, we are just really open & honest with each other. (I even had my own room at his house in Dallas!) The last time i saw him he was pissed that i wasn't able to do something he'd expected me to do. i thought about it as i was calming down and i realized that he was expecting quite a bit, that i was really pushing myself to cover it all, and i going into debt to do it, too. The only day Roni had to play at the Bus stop playground was that very day and it was because he wouldn't stop to get her and insisted we had enough time when i TOLD him we didn't. i felt like a horrible mom. i hadn't been back since. Until last night when i took his stuff over to his apartment to drop it off. He was thrilled to see me and crushed when i told him that the truck was running and i had to run. Ya know what's sad? He has almost no relationship skills and i know he loves me and all, but he lives right down the street from me and not once did he stop by. Or call. Nothing. i don't know if i really want to go back. i really miss the long nights of gin rummy, road trips, drinking and movies, but why cling to something that hurts? Maybe, in time, he will come back around, but i just don't think he needs me right now and i'm sad but understanding. Maybe we'll go to dinner once a month or something. i'll see.
In other news, i finally got to go home and sleep in my own bed last night! In case you weren't aware, my electric was cut through some big argument with the electric company about Chip's $300 overdue bill from another apartment being added to MY bill and they won't take it off. i have been trying to pay it off but it is slow going and they get, like 3 payments every 2 months, but after 3 months i have only managed to pull it down to $200 carried balance while trying to stay current. i even gave up my phone because i couldn't keep up both bills and i HAVE to have electricity. So, they cut it and wanted the whole $200 to turn it back on. I got a touch upset with the 5th fucking whore i talked to and told them that i guess they could take their bill, put it in their pipe and smoke it while they stood in line for the money that I DON'T FUCKING OWE THEM! And i hung up. And stayed at my M&D's for the weekend. By Sunday, i just asked my mom to write the damn check and i'd pay her on Friday, here-is-YOUR-check-depost-it-next-Monday, thankyouverymuch! i just can't live there, and it wasn't even a Roni weekend. i read and chatted the whole time just to pretend i wasn't there. And my sister's bed is horrid. i don't blame her for sleeping on the floor. Her bed is worse than my old waterbed. It is hard as a rock and the room is always frigid. my old waterbed was a queen size beed in a double-bed sized room. And FULL MOTION. With black satin sheets. i always woke up in the 1.5' gap between the bed and the wall. i used to sleep walk a lot as a kid but it really went nuts then. My sister caught me doing aerobics in the living room one night. Nude. She woke my Mom up she was laughing so hard and Mom, used to my sleepwalking, led me through the bathroom and back to bed . . . and the two of them picked on me unmercifully until i demanded that Dad get rid of the damn bed. It was so pretty, but impractical.
Why do i tell you guys this crap? i dunno. i just sit here and my thought process flows over so many topics and i just go with it. i'd have to say, though, i set that counter thingy up to count visits not hits and apparently, i am still either amusing people or my life is so bad they read me to feel better about theirs ~ "Gaawwd, Bubba, look-ee at this poor chile's LIFE! 'Least our trailer's paid fer and we's gots the dawgs and the kids are all gone . . . " oh, well. If not here, i'd be typing into the void and still saying the same damn things. this way i somehow feel closer to people as i can imagine all of D~land nestled close together like happy sated little piglets . . . or slithering in a massive live Gordian knot like a pit of poisonous snakes . . . maybe i'll stick with the "piglet" image. Piglets are kinda cute.
For breakfast.
All the , small things
True care, truth brings
I'll take, one lift
Your ride, best trip
Always, I know
You'll be at my show
Watching, waiting, commiserating
Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me home
Na, na�
Late night, come home
Work sucks, I know
She left me roses by the stairs, surprises let me know she cares
Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me home
Na, na�
Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me home
Keep your head still, I'll be your thrill, the night will go on, my little windmill
"All the Small Things" ~ Blink 182
This song always reminds me of Russ because as his best friend and the "woman in his life", we took care of each other. We always did little nice things for each other and i was, quite litterally always at his shows, comiserating and critiquing afterwards. We partied ourselves stupid on many occasions 'till we passed out and just picked up where we left off when we woke up! (TIP: You can't keep a hangover if you never sober up!)
confessed on 2000-12-12