i once had this friend who's answer to EVERYTHING was, "Take more DRUGS!" i could see the logic in that plus the ease of convenience, but i just couldn't do it. i would be so addicted in a matter of days. i am very weak in some ways, i know that and freely admit it. Just thought i'd share that thought.
OH, i am so tired! i did as i promised and stopped by to say hi to Russ & Mary. There is no such thing as stopping by real quick. Roni was sacked out in the truck so Russ carried her up and put her in their bed and i caught him up on all the stuff i have been doing and he is working on returning the favors i did them when their life went to crap a few months ago. By the time i got all stressed, there wasn't anything left i could do, and they seemed to need time and space as did i. They look like they got everything all worked out in my absence, and i am excited for them. Russ stopped playing in Syphon and i knew he was doing some raves, but it seems that Raid 5 is really doing some hard work! One of their favorite spots to do raves is at this huge old theatre (The Ridglea in Fort Worth) but they also take the show on the road to Austin, Houston and such. There is one this weekend at the Ridglea, so if your are interested in details and directions, contact me. i will prolly be posting future dates and locations somewhere when i get them. Fun, fun!
i didn't get out of there until almost one AM. Nothing new about that, though. What WAS cool was that Russ was admiring my CD collection when we realized Mary (who is 17) has never heard a lot of the best ones! So we promptly pulled out Erasure and They Might Be Giants and played our favorites for her. It was a great experience for all three of us ~ Mary was hearing all this for the first time and Russ and i were regaling her with stories, snippets of info, and descriptions of what it was like when they first came out. It made them feel like new all over again! It's strange, because Russ a year or three older than i am and has had quite a few years to run wild and has done so much more than i have. He was a DJ spinning for the club he co-owned back in the 80s when all the "80s retro" was NEW, and he has formed and been in many many bands all in the electronic vein. He has some bizarre stories and has met all the freaky people. I have always told him that if there is a freaky person within 13 miles, they will find there way to him. It is the 'normal' people who bail on him, they just can't take the high level of insanity that surrounds him wherever he goes. i would prolly do much better if i was still living more bohemian like he does, but with a child i can't so i get frustrated and back off but always, we come back. i asked him where they'd been and he said they had been working, getting current and taking care of all their business. He had wondered what happen to me but figured i'd just need to sort stuff out and didn't need him or i'd have called. Ok, do i feel childish? Maybe just a tad. But the break was needed by all, so "It's all well!"
i was iced in at my parents' house on Tuesday night so i stayed there and since i didn't have a change of clothes and Roni is feeling poorly, we just stayed there all day. i called Ra and she told me she'd just slide me over to Friday so i could be at the party we are having around one. i was able to fix up a tentative front page for my whazzup and though it isn't great, it's got a pretty picture! i made some cinnamon rolls, caught up on some diary reading, posted here and there, forced copious amounts of warm tea with honey down Roni and read the newest Robert B. Parker. We drove out to Dallas around five to have dinner with Naomi at her house and the kids played for a few hours. We had a few drinks and felt a bit giddy. She has apparently decided to try to drink one drink a night to build tolerance. She told me this AFTER i refilled her drink. she almost fell asleep on my shoulder during West Wing. i was still there when Gore made his speech and we watched it. Naomi and i kept looking at each other across the room and giggling for no reason, until i asked, "Are YOU thinking what i am? That at any moment he will yell, 'LIVE FROM NEW YORK . . . IT'S SATURDAY NIIIIITE!'?" She nodded and we fell over laughing and Jason just looked at us like we were nuts and seemed bored with the whole thing. i think i know why, though and it is all about the dynamics of their relationship. i can't speak for anyone else but i feel the tension and pull of their emotions and needs when i visit with them. They seem strung a little tight sometimes.
All-in-all it was a relaxing kind of day. Sorta lazy and warm. And i didn't want to return to life as normal this morning. Blech! Maybe i will talk to Ra about having split days off. Or not. i will think on that. Right now we have 34 calls holding and no agents here to take them and i just want to say, "Screw it!" and go take a nap at my desk downstairs. This is crappy. We had a lot of people out yesterday and still a good deal out today so this is just damage control. Where do we want to take the hardest hit and all that crap. i can understand yesterday, but there is no reason people can't be here today. They all suck fugly fugly garden gnomes. And enjoy it. Damn them!
OMD! i love Naomi dearly, yes i do, but she is so persistent in trying to make me get out more. She REALLY REALLY wants me to be happy, but i am the only person that can create my happiness! No one can MAKE me happy, if anything i'd eventually be open to some one who will LET me be happy with them, but i do not know if i COULD. i wouldn't know what to do with happiness if it jumped into my lap! i was discussing Tuesday how hard it is to accept what you don't feel you deserve. In some ways, i KNOW i kick ass. In relationships and personal life, i suck. i am a loyal and devoted friend to a fault and creative and thoughtful and all, but sometimes i snap at people and i am very sarcastic with a cutting sense of humor. i don't say much when i am pissed and i will just silently fade out. i will blind you with flash so you can't see behind the facade. i don't know how to accept help, love, or compliments and they really shock me. i know only one person i completely trust. i am brutally honest or i don't say anything at all. i am sometimes oversensitive and paranoid. Neurotic, really. i'm sure you guys are REALLY tired of me telling you i'm screwed in the head when you can see rather well for yourself. ok, i'll shut up now.
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
**Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
Na na na na na na na
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now **
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I like to laugh so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
**
I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just wanna my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Somedays I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
"Wonderful" ~ Everclear
i absolutely love and respect these guys as artists. The simple messages and the powerful music is like thunderstorms. One of my favorite bands. i love this one especially 'cause it made it easier for me to discuss the divorce with Roni. Brought her closer to understanding.
confessed on 2000-12-14