i was e-mailing with Naomi in teh absence of chat and i wanted to include you, my lovely readers as we haven't really touched on this yet and i just wanted to make my stance known.
- From NaomiBeth
- " . . . I'm truly excited that you think I'm a good friend. I've really been working on it. I tend to be pretty selfish - even in my giving, I like to brag about it and recieve the recognition I think I deserve, and I'm glad that it seems I'm making progress on that front.
On that note, I wrote {cyber 'friend'} an e-mail yesterday saying, more or less, that {. . .} if he chooses to come into town, I will make an effort to spend time with him as a friend would, but nothing more. Because of Diaryland, I've discovered the joy of honesty. Not that I'm going to go back and confess all my past sins, but I don't want to continue living a dishonest lifestyle. At least that's how I feel right now. Lying is no longer the exhilerating sport it once was. It's no fun anymore.
- From Mis
- Bravo! i used to lie to everyone all the time. When i got out of the hospital, i stopped lying to everyone ~ i only lied to the people i loved to hide that i was still not "alright". after a crisis and my final attempt on my life, i stopped lying to anyone at all.
There was once a small thrill at fooling them all but it was a tight mean thrill back up with the total aloneness of not having anyone to help me or share my misery. Liv couldn't really handle it all by herself AND her problems, too. The isolation only fueled my paranoid feelings and assertions that no one cared about me ~ they all in fact, hated me and would laugh at my funeral while drinking champagne and dancing on my coffin. i was so sure of this. Then i resented everybody and the circle goes on and on like the tip of the drill punching deeper and deeper until there is no retrieval. It was soo not worth it. i lost a lot of "friends" when i came back full of anger i could finally express and no more lies; and no more acting happy all the damn time. After that last attempt, i realized that the ones i still had would either stay because they love me or be gone and good riddance.
i still believe people hate me. STILL. Irrational? Sure, but it's how i feel. i still believe that one day someone will come along and ask, "Just what did you DO to deserve this life? OOPS! We made a small mistake so . . . uumm, stand still a moment . . . " and ZAP! i'll be dead. My second, third, fifteenth chances will be revoked. i still feel like i don't deserve anything. i work hard for what i want & need and hate to take anything i didn't work for. If it's important i have to really sweat for it and BLEED. Otherwise, it's worthless to me. Or if i am given something i REALLY want without work i will push myself so hard to prove i deserve it. To prove to whom, you ask? Me. Them. The voices i hear telling me i am nothing. Whatever. All the bad things that have ever happened to me i feel i deserve, but i have no idea why. i have to TELL myself over and over that i deserve good things, too. i am almost where i could believe that. Maybe. The saddest part and what is totally abbhorent to me is that i am not the only one who " . . . {doesn't} know how to be loved . . . " or is " . . . uncomfortable recieving or accepting pleasure . . .". i know more than the two i quoted, but i just like them best. i don't agree with them! They are great and wonderful individuals i can communicate with and they are funny, inteligent, witty, talented, and so very sweet despite what they may think of themselves. i just don't get why they feel so awful about themselves. i don't like many people and i think they're perfect!
Like it would really help that i said that. i won't beleive others . . . why would they?
well, hell, i am off to do whatever it is i do . . . .
you have a great day and tell someone what you think of them today. Unless you are at work . . .
Scarlet your eyes, cover your face
If I could dance, or stay in this place
I would be King and you would be mine
I would be day and you would be time
Eggplant and Caviar for you
For you for you for you
Eggplant and Caviar for you
Hold up my wings cause you are the sky
Paint me by numbers and don't ask me why
Cause I am in bloom and you are perfume
And you are perfume and you are
Eggplant and Caviar for you
For you for you for you
Eggplant and Caviar for you
for you for you for you - ah
Apple Pie or Apple seed,
all the mouths that I must feed
Cold sheets or Tumble weed
all the ones that I must need
I would be King and you would be mine
I would be nine and you would be Mother Time
Eggplant and Caviar for you, for you, for you
Apple Pie or Apple seed,
all the mouths that I must feed
Cold sheets or Tumble weed
all the ones that I must need
All the ones that I must need
"Eggplant" ~ By Train
confessed on 2000-12-16