So, here i am. With a head full of notions and ideas, drifting thoughts and fragments of dreams . . . . all spinning wildly in my kaleidoscope mind. Thoughts of rocking chairs and "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain", because "My heroes have always been cowboys, and they still are it seems. Sadly in search of and one step in back of themselves and their slow-moving dreams." ~ Willie Nelson. My uncle Ronnie (Whom Roni is named after) loved Willie and David Allen Coe and the Outlaws (kinda like the Traveling Wilburys if you were not raised on "both kinds of music ~ Country AND Western!" as my Dad says.) He died in a freak accident in my second month of pregnancy so Veronica Alleni is named after the greatest man i ever wanted to grow up really fast and marry, Ronald Allan Gann. He had a way of talking to a confused, miserable, awkward child that made her feel special and important, valued. This man had no enemies. Even his ex-wife loved him. He used to sing my sister & i to sleep with Willie, sitting in a big wooden rocking chair . . . good feelings and happy moments of total peace.
Today is a good day. Yesterday was a great day. This season i desperately hate with a passion bordering on insane can't even weigh down the buoyancy i feel lately. And i don't know why. i can't say i'm 'happy', but what is 'happiness'? It must be relative, i think. 'Happy' compared to running in circles while on fire with pickle forks stabbed in my eyes and trying to put myself out with a gasoline hose? Sure i'd say i could be 'happy'. Or 'happy' compared to when the whole world stops and it's only the two of you as she slowly leans back and rests her head on your shoulder for the first time ever, and your arm feels so right lying there along side hers . . . and you both expel the same held breath slowly and your heart fills so full you almost can't breathe. Hhhmmmm, i don't think this would stand up to that.
Can true 'happiness' really be a state of being? Or is it taken in collections of moments like snapshots and afternoons like portraits all fuzzy and beautiful, silver moments, frozen and fading, left open to interpretation as time distances you from the pungent now? i have a photographic memory ~ i don't always remember what i am told or what i said in unimportant and normal conversation, but if i close my eyes, i can picture, perfectly, a second and all the feelings, colors, sounds, and impressions i had right then. Most of these memories are tied to songs and it's like pulling out a picture and almost being able to reach right in there. . .
So many people are so right about so many things. You'd think they'd all want to collaborate to put the puzzle together, since they all have only one or two pieces each. Wouldn't it be nice to see the WHOLE picture for once?
i am so contradictive. There are times i make almost no sense to ME and i LIVE HERE! Sometimes i find something i can stand firm on and then suddenly, it all turns to Jell-O. i hate Jell-O. It just looks so . . . nasty. The two people i am most like are my Father & my Dad. Dad was a marine, and is not just a little controlling, tense, articulate, verbose, exacting, very intelligent, hard working, methodical, and judgmental but fair. My Father (i met him once when i was 16, but we have talked a few times since) is wickedly creative, intelligent, sensitive, caring, laid back, bohemian, codependent and lacks drive. i got all this mixed up and it pairs and surfaces in odd ways, and NOTHING IS IN MODERATION. i almost don't know what moderation is. i wish i knew who & what i am. i just wish i knew me.
i had a thought last night that drifted slower than the others in hopes of being caught i suppose. It was kinda neat. i saw a vision of a small dinner party with Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, Isis, Demeter, Ghandi, and Mother Theresa. They were just all sitting around on culturally diverse furnishings in a beautiful and soothing room with a fire in the corner, eating a variety of foods, drinking various drinks out of colored crystal brandy snifters, and chatting like old friends. No one seemed out of place and it was totally relaxed, not formal, and for some reason the were listening to instrumental blues. It was a good feeling but it faded as most whimsical thoughts do.
i got my first virtual crack yesterday!!!! Hey, can i just say i like Crackbaby? He is admirable and interesting, not to mention chatting with him is an excellent way "to make the day go by faster.". He has to be, by far, the coolest unlucky son of a demi-deity i have ever chatted with. And i what i meant was that his writing had the fascination factor of a really bad train wreck ~ you HAVE to read it! Yes, that's really 'HAVE'! So there, get even, i DARE you! (you KNOW you write very well, so stop fishing, OK?)
Looking through some photographs I found inside a drawer
I was taken by a photograph of you
There were one or two I know you would have liked a little more
But they didn't show your spirit quite as true
You were turning 'round to see who was behind you
And I took your childhood laughter by surprise
And at the moment that my camera happened to find you
There was just a trace of sorrow in your eyes
Now the things that I remember seem so distant, so small
Though it hasn't really been that long a time
What I was seeing wasn't what was happening at all
Although for awhile, our path did seem to climb
When you see through love's illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
**Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
**You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
**You've had to hide sometimes but now you're all right
**And it's good to see your smiling face tonight
Now for you and me it made not be that hard to reach our dreams
But that magic feeling never seems to last
And while the future's there for anyone to change
Still you know it's seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
I'm just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love's pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
Theres this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool
**
Fountain of sorrow, fountain of light
You've known that hollow sound of your own steps in flight
You've had to struggle, you've had to fight
To keep understanding and compassion in sight
You could be laughing at me, you've got the right
But you go on smiling so clear and so bright
"FOUNTAIN OF SORROW" by Jackson Browne
confessed on 2000-12-21