i know some of you look at this diary sometimes and wonder if i'm nuts, lazy, or a total HTML idiot and if i'm that idiot who did this for me and why does it suck so much? Right? Well, the answers are thus: Yes, Sometimes, and well . . . not really. See, i am learning stuff as fast as i can and have been figuring it all out on my own. I could do pretty things with this diary, but i don't want to. i don't want the distraction. this is all text and clean as possible so that there will be nothing for me to play with and nothing but my thoughts. i promise. In fact, i just finished a new design for my Little Rabid Abby and it is up!!! She wanted the pretty stuff, so she gets the pretty stuff! i had fun making it and like the results. Call me crazy, but i do like to keep stuff clean! If you want to see some really cool shit, check out this guy, Crackbaby, Malkavia, Methybeth, or Rizzn. They can all make the internet sit up, beg, and walk the cat. They all have Great and Important things to say, too. i don't, so i will remain simple so the bells and tu-tu don't distract you from my pathetic whining.
There. i said it. So, without further ado, on with the whining!
you will be amazed! *Does the Jedi mind trick thing with her hand* Shocked and amazed! *jumps up and down and tries again* Or not. *shrugs* i finally got my first envelope ever from the Attorney General of Texas. i was amazed.
Then i opened it.
On October 5th, 2000, Chip-head the amazing fuck-up boy (i will eternally love Dare for that moniker!) was ordered, by the court, to pay $ 261 a month in child support. i waived the previous two years of past due `cause those years are gone, but we aren't. When they were supposed to start taking the money out of his check, he quit his job. This was November. i spoke to him several times and finally he told me about the job change and swore he sent them a money order (for the whole month of November) before December 1st. i called them and they said they have no record he is working. i cheerfully give them all the information i have and wait. On January 10th, they received $ 120 and turned around and sent it to me. He knows he has to make a payment every 89 days or so because the legal proceeding don't start until there has been no money for 90 days. And can you believe we had actually started to get along? The sad part is, i am the one who taught him this money trick back when i was the one who supported the three of us as a cashier at Winn-Dick-Me. Pay only what you have to keep the wolves on the other side of the door when you don't have anything. Pay more than you need to when you can. He caught on to the first part, but missed the second.
Why, oh why did i ever get involved with this moron? i know the sex was spectacular, but the key to a happy life is, oddly enough, not sex. Not even amazing, nothing forbidden, invasive, intrusive, and constant sex. i would gladly trade all i learned about that from him to have the peace of mind and security that comes with not wondering every month if i will be able to keep the apartment AND the electricity. Some things are just important to me, like a roof, food and heat. Other things just lose their fascination when you have to weigh their cost. There really are times i wish i had walked out of the doctor's that day, gone home, packed up and moved back to my parent's. And never told him about her. How can this man make her life any richer? He won't spend time with her, doesn't talk to her, lets her sit in front of a TV all day watching whatever comes on cable, lies all the time, his fianc�e steals shit for fun, she has to find her own food or starve, they smoke in the house with her there, and they never have her medicine. She was rushed to the hospital once when she was about two years old because she stopped breathing. She had been staying with the wife of a friend of his during the day and they had a tiny apartment. They both smoked a pack and a half a day EACH and never aired out the apartment. She would be fine until she got there where she would start to portray signs of pneumonia, but would be fine after getting home and changing clothes. After that hospital visit and some other incidents where his friend's psycho wife tried to get custody of Roni, i quit another job to stay at home with Roni. Now, he smokes in the house with her and his new son there. i guess that ambulance ride has been forgotten.
Why do i put up with this, you ask? Because i never knew my father. i was sixteen years old before i finally met the man i share half of who i am with. i was eighteen before i found out the whole truth of why. i had not lived a normal life and most the people i knew thought i was a freak, but the final killer blow to my damaged self esteem was that my own father didn't want me (so i thought. The reality was quite the reverse) i was something he got rid of and never wanted to see again. My Dad was the scariest thing in the world to me and my Mom wouldn't stand up to him for me and she didn't have any answers anyways. i was hated (in my mind) and something to hide. i was not the perfect, planned daughter that made everybody happy, i was the strange child that hid in the back of her closet eating her crayons and talking to her eight imaginary friends. The weird girl that would rather hide in a tree or on the roof or behind the honeysuckle bushes in the backyard. The fey creature that refused to wear shoes or pants but ruined a dress every day from playing in the mud and snagging them on the branches and fences i climbed. i was the one that no one wanted and no one picked and everyone sort of nervously laughed at and looked around for anyone else to talk to. i was nothing like anyone in my family and i never knew why until i met my father who i resemble so strongly in so many ways. i look like Mom with my father's eyes and hair, but inside, i am all his. i have learned to be more like Dad just as i have learned that he is a good man and learned to love him, but i was eighteen before i learned who i was. One day Roni will learn who and what her father is. i will not tell her. Neither will i praise him or pump him up for her like i used to do. i will just wait and be there for her when she finally gets it, and hope with all my heart that i'm doing the right thing. i don't want her to be like me. When she says that she wants to be just like me, i want to die. When i catch her lying, i want him to *poof!* be gone. When she looked at me one day and told me that we didn't have to find a register open because "We could just steal it, Mommy." i was furious. i could have so easily done some major damage to someone or something right then. i work so hard to make life good for her that sometimes i just can't stand it and then she spends two days with them and comes back covered in makeup, lying, manipulating, and doing all this with an attitude. Sorry, don't think so, not in my house.
i have to add another link. Methybeth. This girl has quickly inspired me to read all of her diary. She goes back to November of 1999. Oh, well, i finished reading all of the Crack, so i can safely add a new obsession. i am trying to read more peoples but i can only stalk one new person at a time and i was busy with Malkavia but i made it onto her links!!!!! so i can move her to the "maintain" group and begin a new campaign to win over yet another redhead! Actually, it was the entries i read that did it. i laughed, i cried, i added her link!
Wow! Too many more of these and D*Land will become a full time job! i already hear enough from my non-computer friendly peoples that i spend entirely too much time online. i just turn slowly away from the computer and stare blankly at them with owlish eyes until they shut up. Yep, i been feeling a bit anti-social lately . . . some of that may be due to the whole sister thing, but she just left yesterday to go back to TLU and though i love her dearly, i was glad to see her go. We get along for only so long before we regress to stupid arguments and start taking shots. This visit went better than most, so i am pleased that maybe we will grow up one day. Mom is still trying to explain to me that the reason she is so irritating to me is that growing up, she damn near worshipped me. Seven years is a huge gap and when you are seventeen, depressed and trying hard to make every mistake you can, that kind of scrutiny is very uncomfortable, especially from a ten year old. i am proud of her becoming her own person. i am proud of the person she has become. i almost never agree with her, but i respect her ability to fight for her beliefs and make her own choices. She is stronger that i was at her age and more driven. She is just not me, though and i don't understand her, so i stopped trying and just accepted that to me, she's a freak. To her, i'm a freak. My child is more like her than me, so she's a freak, too. i'll live ~ i like the freaky people. They are the best kind.
All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true.-- T.E. Lawrence (AKA "Lawrence of Arabia")
confessed on 2001-01-14