i found it!!! i finally found my Sneaker Pimps CD! It was under the seat in Lil, but since i looked there about ten times . . . i have a theory about that! See, i searched that truck so many times since i lost my CD and never once caught a glimpse of my precious until after i mentioned to Kat that since i lost it, the EDGE has been playing the shit out of "6 Underground" so, i figured that they Vehicle Gnomes came and thieved it quite away for the EDGE. Strangely, i have yet to hear it since i found the CD. This only strengthens my belief that it is a conspiracy to torment me. They probably put it back so that i would think that the accident shook it loose or something, but i know better than that! Sneaky little Gnomes! They also whisked away the little rubber thingy that goes on one pair of my sunglasses, but that's ok, there weren't my favorite pair. Watch out for those little guys, ok? They are devious and sneaky!

i have come to the conclusion that it's women like me that had us banned to a te-pee on the edge of town during menstruation. i go a little . . . crazy. i'm not talking PMS or anything like that, though i do feel the pull of the chocolate a bit stronger and suddenly crave potato chips and get an general icky feeling and all. i guess since they have never been very regular and i can go 6 months without one, that i just can't handle the bizarre hormonal imbalance it creates for me and i freak out. i hallucinate and get paranoid. i am sometimes so high that i am hyper and giggly for a week. i sometimes get so depressed i want only to sleep all week. The closest to a mood swing is that i try to hold back my anger that is always there but it is closer to the surface and i slip more and lose patience with stupidity much more quickly. i get lost in my head and have a difficult time concentrating on anything. i wouldn't believe any of this but i live it. Poor Roni. i snap at her so much and she just blows it off like it's nothing. i am luckier than my mom in that when she was young, she had to totally sedated about three of the five days and admitted once that labor was so quick and easy for her both times because it was hardly stronger that her monthly cramps. Now, THAT is frightening!

OK, OK, i'll stop now so you guys can stop cringing. Poor babies.

Why don't you males tell us girls about something you have to deal with. Like kidney stones. i remember when Chip-head had kidney stones. He was on the front lawn in the middle of the night pulling up clumps grass with his bare hands writhing, screaming, rocking and moaning. i felt horrible for him and so helpless. i had to call his best friend to come help me take him to the hospital for drugs and treatment. He didn't remember a thing the next day. But he DID lay off the Gatorade he used to drink gallons of every day. (He was doing install for Brinks Security at the time and you have to crawl around in attics while it's over 100 degrees outside. It's kinda funny, but after almost three years now, i still find the little 'beans' they use to splice wires together in my stuff. Weird.)

i miss my stick. Randy was calling me a traitor Saturday because he had just come into the fold and bought a stick when i switch to an automatic. He said it was an unforgivable betrayal. i do miss my stick a lot though. i am not used to using the brakes so much and between the automatic transmission and the flowmaster, the RPMs sound way to high and loud. i reach over every time i accelerate to shift. i need to unlearn being so sensitive to the RPMs i guess. Anyways, it's making me crazy right now, but i just love this truck so much that i am determined to get past this. She is a sexy bitch, i tell you!

Roni is normally a good kid, really she is, but lately . . . i just don't know what to do with her. She went to the office last Monday for continually being loud and obnoxious, for jumping about like and idiot, and for stealing pencils. Now, i know for a fact where she has learned to steal. i still have the candle Myste stole from Wal-Mart for me. She just dropped it on the piano when we got back to my apartment after that trip. People who have lived with her tell me that she does it all the time, that she has taught Roni to do it, too, so if they get caught she can yell, "No! No! Stealing is BAD! Give that back RIGHT NOW!" and pretend it was all Roni. i have tried to address this with Chip, but he doesn't believe me. i have tried to talk to Roni about it but she has been sworn to secrecy by someone she loves. This with her new lying is really getting on my nerves. For example, i caught her but good the other day.

i asked her to do something and she ignored me. i didn't repeat my self, i waited. Then i got out the spoon.
She jumped up and yelled "NO!"
i asked her why.
She said she didn't want swat and i replied that she should do as i told her to do and she wouldn't get one.
Her reply? "But i didn't hear you!"
"Didn't hear me say what?"
"For me to put the toys away."
"Oh, is that what i said?"

Yeah, she didn't hear me but she knew what i said. She is also telling me that this one girl at school punched her in the nose and made it bleed. And that almost every day she goes to the nurse. i have talked to her teacher and that is not true. She is constantly telling me she doesn't feel well (and knows which medicine to take) but when something comes up she suddenly feels fine. Some of these are fairly normal, but some are not. Covering up when you've done something wrong is normal; feigning sickness is normal. But the way she is doing all this suddenly and doing it a LOT is not normal. i just don't know what to do with her. i hate that she suddenly has an attitude that she didn't get from me. A bad one. i'll be damned if a six year old will tell ME what to do.

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and you bring me to my knees
all the times that i felt insecure and
i leave my burdens at the door
i'm on the outside
i'm looking in
i can see through you
see your true colors
inside you're ugly
ugly like me
i can see through you
see to the real you
all this time that i
felt like this wont end
was for you and
i taste what i could never have
its from you
all those times that i tried
my intentions full of pride
and i waste more time than anyone
i'm on the outside
i'm looking in
i can see through you
see your true colors
cuz inside you're ugly
ugly like me
i can see through you
see to the real you
all the times that i cried
all this wastin'
its all inside
and i feel all this pain
stuffed it down its back again and
i lie here in bed all alone
i cant help what i feel
tomorrow will be okay
i'm on the outside
i'm looking in
i can see through you
see your true colors
inside you're ugly
ugly like me
i can see through you
see to the real you

"Outside" by Stained with Fred Durst singing background

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confessed on 2001-01-15