i am a little disturbed. Is it so well known around here that i am freaky and crazy and so off the wall that nothing i do surprises anyone? Or am i invisible? i was so tired last night i didn't get to dye my hair and so here i am with blonde/blue/green hair and no one has batted an eye at it or commented. i'm not saying i am LOOKING for attention, i AM saying that if someone came in with strange colors in their hair, i'd notice and say, "hey, nice colors!" or something. i really hate being predictable. This is scary.
Ok, well since i'm invisible and stuff, i guess i don't have to finish this entry.
Sorry. i have been in a really shitty mood lately for no reason i am aware of. i feel so stifled and stilted like i can't express what i need to but i don't even know what that is. It has been forming for some time now and i am at a loss. Words, wonderful words that so rarely leave me or let me down have betrayed me and left me without a way to explain. i feel so deserted and forsaken by my total blankness. i have tons and tons of things i want to say. Then i sit down in front of the computer and i freeze. i tried to tape it all out but the second i turn on the recorder my thought flee like rats. and the first time i actually listened to my voice on the tape i wanted to scream. i fucking HATE my voice. i hate hearing it. It makes me want to break something. Other people love it. i absolutely despise it. i make other people do my voicemail so i don't have to hear myself.
i don't know why but today i want to tear something apart so totally you can't tell what it had been. i want to go totally Office Space on something. My first inclination was someone but no one has done anything to deserve it and well, i don't want to scare anyone or go to jail. Only a bad mom would kill someone simply to fell better and relieve stress. Yeah, i think they'd notice. i heard on the radio that a few years ago today, a woman opened fire on a school across the street from her house and killed several kids and her only reason was . . . "i hate Mondays". DAMN! i understand how you feel, chica, but get over it! can we say 'someone needs a Prozac moment'? i am NOT that bad.
Happy birthday Tony Ramone! 51, i think . . . wow . . . that seemed old once, but now . . . i just don't know. It is not too far away. The years pass like the longest day of your life, but it's still just a day, and you keep hurtling towards one milestone after another until you wake up one day and realized it's your retirement party . . . so whatever you need to do, just go and do it. Tomorrow will never get here, people, it's called today. Yesterday is a dream you had and it will all start over again after you sleep. Start thinking of your retirement fund and make out you will. Set up the shit you never think of until it's too late. You don't have to dwell on your mortality, but think of others who will have to do this later, during their grief, if you don't think NOW.
Or not. i am not feeling like great company right now. i want to talk to someone with a brain and i'm not saying you don't have one, i'm saying you don't talk. So, i will blink out now. Have a great day.
i think it is pretty fucking sad that you have plenty to say about whether people should have to wear clothes, but nothing to say about death. cowards.
thank you, mis
confessed on 2001-01-29