i fell better today, yes, i do! i was preparing to slink on home and burrow in for the night when O.Penguin pops us, sticking his virtually tongue out at me. he wanted to drive around, listen to CDs, eat (and have COFFEE!!!!), and sound some ideas off of me. The fact that this is quickly becoming what we call a habit to go out with him on Sunday nights i was antsy with curiosity as to WHY, but i refused to let on or ask. These things have a way of flowing if i don't push at all and fouling up if i do, so i waited and he finally told me ~ W.T.W. Prod has their weekly meeting on Saturday night and then he finds me on Sunday to sound the ideas off of me. Well, in light of the pattern here, he is tempted to meddle and have me come to the actual meetings on Saturday. In fact, he is putting my name on the site and a part of the company and i will attend my first meeting this coming Saturday. I'm not real sure about it as i don't want to stomp in there and detract from the formula that has so far worked or detract/alter/damage in ANY fashion his relationship with Mortisha, his best friend and partner. i have no problem staying in the background on this one as i really like and respect Tish and she stayed when i didn't. She worked her ass off with him to get this far and for me to walk in one day with a new fresh perspective and negate all she's done is not right. i will see how the meeting goes and decide what to do from there.
i am feeling alternately loved and abandoned here . . . i have two admitted readers that actually put me on their list of favorites! People i DON'T KNOW LIKE ME!!! So, a big, happy, excited hug for each of these to darlings ~ Oval Opal & Bento!! Thank you! i was having a really crappy day but you made me smile and feel wanted!
i was drifting about, following some links and found Gay Girl and read her entire history in one sitting and then really played on her site for a while. i was impressed with her, her spirit, courage, determination, writings, ramblings, and her daring. i don't have the utter and absolute convictions that i want ONLY women, but neither am i willing to really take the risks with my life that she has to find out for sure.
i really do love men in quite a few ways ~ they have always been better friends than most of the women i've known, they have a better sense of humor (or one that fits ME better), they don't try to compete with me, and don't give a shit if i don't feel like wearing makeup, the most complicated i've ever seen one get is while trying to score sex. The great walking dildo potential is in there somewhere. As a general rule, i don't date my friends. i like to KEEP my friends, and it doesn't ever bode well to fuck your friends under ANY definition. Trust me. I have seen a LOT of it and it rarely ever turns out well. Men are generally fairly simple and interesting, straightforward, and daring. i like that. The only thing i hate is that if they see me in a dress, it can ruin their image of me as 'one of the guys' and then it takes a while for them to let me carry anything heavy, but, i can live with that. Sometimes, it's nice to be noticed as a 'girl'.
And then, there are the ones that forgot me . . . i actually got a call from Cyn this weekend. She's doing well and happy and was still in bed with Robert at 11:30 on a Sunday. Russ won't call me. i have to call him. And he's never home when i do. he won't call BACK, either. i felt a great rending in my soul last week, but that is another person and situation i don't really feel like discussing in depth (but will prolly show up in some other form, somewhere else, some other day). i desperately hate when someone makes nice noises at me when they don't mean it. i'd much rather be beat `til i'm dead. does that make my feelings crystal clear? good. i am a big girl, i can handle rejection just fine and you won't ever have to deal with it of see the pain you caused so let me go and go away if you don't want me around. If you are confused, it most probably is not you i'm talking to. If you feel an incredible fear that you've been figured out . . . you have.
Poe ~ "Fly Away"
confessed on 2001-02-19