I AM A BAAAAAD MOM.
just ask Veronica.
Funny, her idea of what makes me a bad mom is different than mine. She was very pissed at me this morning because she wants to have a sack lunch. i am the horrid troll mom who MAKES her buy her lunch. She was crying about it this morning. i pointed out that we were two blocks away from her school and that kids are mean. "Roooooni! Do you really want to get there with your face all splotchy and have the kids point and say ~ 'look! she's crying! What a BABY!'?" and she got mad and yelled "Why do you have to be so mean to me this morning?!" and then it was ON. We were arguing back and forth about hot vs. cold lunch, her crying, and how both of us are before caffeine. That's why right now she is thinking bad thoughts of me.
i don't relate to Roni like i relate to anyone else in the world. She has always been totally removed from all my normal reactions and different in every way. We generally have a good relationship . . . and sometimes, i forget she'd just six years old. She is my constant companion and best of friends. She is my shadow and alter ego. She is ageless and so am i.
This whole week has totally sucked for no discernable reason. i have not been in a very nice mood and it's hard when there is no buffer. Roni takes it all in stride with out batting an eye. i stay fairly consistent, but last night, i just didn't want to be the mean parent anymore. Hell, i didn't want to be a parent at all! i bought her food and let her go. i teased and picked on her like i used to and we were having fun. nothing fazed me. i think Naomi was shocked at just how little i reacted to anything. Until it was time to go and she was hopped up on soda and demanding everyone's attention. Yeah, i slipped. she HAD already turned away and DIDN'T see it, but i do believe i flipped her off. Yep. kill me now. i am now a bad person. In my family, you have to wait until the kid is at least 13 before doing that.
i had several things run through my mind and the first was that i was a horrid person, next was that she didn't see it, third was wow, and finally, i think i will have a quiet night tomorrow with Charmed and Gilmore Girls followed by a chapter from The Secret Garden a bath and general goofiness. We have one or two nights a week where we just hide away in our little hole and pretend the world doesn't exist beyond our door so that is not weird to us, but i wanted that more than anything right then. Ask anyone, even born 'caretakers' will agree ~ being a mom is not easy.
i would never ever ever trade it. Even when she dumps soda on herself and gets really irritating. Yep. even when she does something i deem soooooo dumb . . . i just can't believe she did it, nope, no trade here buddy. She is such a fey little creature . . . all wild and free. i just love her so much!
"She was inside the secret garden!"
~ from Chapter Eight of The Secret Garden by F.H.B.
confessed on 2001-02-22