Did you know that the brain can do some really amazing things? i have testing done every few years of so to make sure mine has not decided to take up residence in a nice vacation skull or anything. And because of my headaches, depression, refusal of my meds, and the fact that i used to beat my head on things like brick walls and have sustained a concussion or two from it. Damn, now that i look at it, i wouldn't blame my brain if it wanted to bail. i haven't been too nice to it.
Anyways, i have migraines and one time, right about the time Chip-head left, i was under a lot of stress and my migraine 'simulated a stroke' according to my doctor. i was at work and having a horrible headache and was already going to call someone to pick me up after i got off since i was not in any shape to drive when i felt a small *POP!* in my head followed by a cascading numbing coldness in my head. i felt it hit my neck and then, my brain was scrambled. i couldn't move my right arm or talk and my right eye was drooping, my leg wouldn't move. i wanted to say something, i was sure i NEEDED to say something, but i was so confused as to what i was doing and why i was worried about it. If i hadn't been so confused i would probably been very panicked and hysterical so i guess that was a small blessing. People kept asking me questions and i couldn't answer them at all, it was awful. i had to take almost a week off and Darth Mom was the only one who really knew so she took me to the appointments. She was the one they had called to come get me and i was afraid that if anyone else knew, they would make me stay with them or give up Roni. They told me they saw nothing in my brain and they didn't know why it had happened but i was recovering very quickly, so it was probably just my headaches doing weird things due to the separation and all the stress of trying to hold my life together. i smiled nicely and thought they were full of shit, but they were the doctors and that gives them an air of mysterious power and authority, so i went home and stopped taking all my medications. i fear the moments when it feels like it did right before and i freeze in terror that i will feel the *POP!* again and have the control wrested away from me. A tumble into madness and terror for me.
Godsmack ~ "Moon Baby"
"In my life, i need you here . . . don't ask why and i'll never disappear."
confessed on 2001-03-01