My mother, the woman who spends an exciting evening in her BATHROOM with a BOOK if she's not working late has told me at least ten times in the last two weeks that i have no life. Excuse me!? WTF?! She says i spend too much time online and i have no real friends. Hooookaaay . . . let's look at this logically.

i get to hear long lectures and much bitching when they see any evidence that i have spent money.
she tells me i should go out more
she tells me i should go to school to learn more about computers
she tells me i shouldn't spend so much time on the computer
she tells me i should spend more time ALONE with my daughter
she tells me i should get another job
she tells me i should fight Chip-head more about the little details
she tells me i should shelter Roni more and not let her see me upset

How do i win with her? Does this make ANY sense? i have an ideal schedule that it would be very nearing to impossible to get again. i am working in a changing company that is finally listening to it's employees and bending over backwards to make them happier. i am finally looking at tangible proof that there is a raise coming up for us soon.

And where is the shame in being a mom AND staring out at the bottom to work hard and make sacrifices to get where you want to be? Oh, wait, isn't that what SHE did?

i can't start school with out help with Roni. Who is there for me?

Darth Mom?

Only if i want her to own me more than she does right now. i had to sign paperwork making her the legal guardian of Roni to get her into the school that is 10 minutes from where i work; the school where we KNOW the admin staff and they know us.

My parents?

Oh, don't make me laugh! They are busy. They have jobs that keep them 45+ hours a week and a teenager to raise. They have Brat to take care of, too, and bills and their own concerns. We have dinner about 2 times a week and since my truck is in Dad's name, they cover my insurance as i try to pay them back for the down payment and stay as current as possible. i slip and boy do i hear about it. i am a burden and they never fail to remind me at every chance. Then they wonder why i am stressed out, hypersensitive and defensive when i'm there. Gee, i just don't know.

My friends?

i have some really wonderful friends but how could i ask that of them? Not even an option i'd consider. My lease is up again, and i have thought of getting a roommate, but that idea terrifies me. And who would really want to live in the same apartment as me AND Roni? Who could i trust THAT MUCH? The lists are short and no one is on all of them. i want a house. i see a lot of the small one in the neighborhood where Roni's school is, but, like the truck, i can't do anything in my name until i get my divorce.

OH! OH! i got a call yesterday from Myste ~ she has paperwork for me to sign today after work! She is meeting me at the notary's office and they are gonna file!!!! And here i was trying to work out the hows of saving up the money for the whole thing myself . . . i was so elated yesterday but i have brought myself down sufficiently now and i will not hold my breath, but it is a good sign!

i'd say this is enough random crap from me today, here you go:

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"Every Me and Every You" ~ Placebo
"Sucker love i always find someone to bruise and leave behind."

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confessed on 2001-03-14