i DID IT! i signed the papers and they were notarized and she says in 60 days i will be divorced. D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D. Feels good to type that out; to see it there on the page; to know it is finally happening. i have been on 'pause' and 'slo-mo' for far too long now and i need to be done with it. i have to have it totally finished and then i have to have a party with me, Jack, Jose, and maybe even the Cap'n Mo. Oh, yeah, some real people, too, if i feel like it by then. hehehee!
Let's see . . . a quick run through ~ i forgot Roni's lunch money yesterday so i showed up 2 minutes before lunch (when Roni was looking in her bag and beginning to feel a little panicked and confused) with a happy meal and boy, did i make her day! (i finally did something right and made my little girl smile! She was the cool kid all during lunch and all the kids wanted to steal her fries!)
After work we drove over to Myste's and signed the papers. Then we moved some furniture since i had a truck and it was really heavy so we KNEW Chip-head would never get around to it. Next was the adventure of wading through the garage . . . one look and i remembered what living with this man meant ~ the garage looked like a pack of starving raptors fought to the death over a rat. In a trailer home. In a tornado. It was so bad already that we just started tossing boxes out of the way and we pulled Brat's old daybed out. Myste also gave me the box springs and mattress she had for it and a pretty black iron corner stand that she had no room for. We got all this loaded up and stood around chatting for a few. i found out her friend, Misty, has been here. She has read all this. She has given Myste the address. i felt momentarily violated but then i remembered, i have it here, online, and WTF? If she can find it, she can read it. i will stand by everything i have written here, as a full body and running commentary of MY VIEW of MY LIFE. This is just me. i told her she was in here a few times and she just laughed and said, "Not good, right? Back when we hated each other, huh?" Yeah. To say the least. It's strange but i wish she'd never met Chip-head so we could have been friends. Even though i have wanted to choke her more than i few times, she is vital and alive and so mercurial that it's always like meeting a new person. Unfortunately, though, we will never be able to find a common ground that doesn't make us enemies at some point. That and distance makes me forget the thing i don't like about her.
i was feeling really mixed up and really needed to talk to someone so we went to my mom's for a bit and i chatted with Abby and Louis for a bit and cried. You guys are so great. Thank you. i just love you both and i'm so happy. i know i was not good company. O.Penguin popped up to blow kisses at me and later, he stopped by to give me love. He is so fantastic, i just love him to pieces! How could i be so lucky as to have a wonderful friend who makes me think, assigns me work and gives me love? Damn, i'm one lucky bitch!
i was still not done with the unexpected mental / emotional upheaval when i got home so i sent Roni to bed and tore apart my bed. i salvaged all the nuts and bolts i could without an alan wrench only to find that they don't work with Brat's bed frame. Oopps! Just in case you didn't catch the wording . . . i TORE APART THE BED. As in, 'not with tools'. Though the welding was weak, it was still a challenge, and it was satisfying to destroy something. But now i am seven screws short of a bed frame as the other one was rent, limb from limb, and thrown in the dumpster. Soooo . . . i put the box spring on the floor and BOTH mattresses on top . . . and, after a quick shower, i slept like a baby! It was like sleeping on a giant boob! (Wow . . . now i know why X loves me so much! HAHAHAHA!)
"Junkie" ~ Poe
"i even like the taste of my will caving in . . ."
confessed on 2001-03-15