It was a relaxing evening with friends and movies. i enjoyed it.
i re-realized why i should never get *that* drunk ~ i get talkative. (but i didn't repeat the performance, thankyouverymuch.)
We ate and sat around and talked and most every body else crashed so i ended up staying up all night talking to Mark and at about 9am we played a game of pool and then i left to go to work.
i really love to talk to Mark when you get him at a good time the conversation can just ramble over anything and be really interesting. Well, on his end of the conversation, at least . . . And it balances out very well ~ never to serious or anything else for too long. Conversation is an art and he is good at it. But then, it was his dog that sat on a steak, too . . . . heheheheee! i thought i'd just burst on that one but then we hadn't slept yet so a LOT was pretty funny.
i am still feeling the gap between myself and all the people in my life widening . . . i feel the fear creep in and the need to let them go before they can leave me; the need to not care as much as i do and not hurt as bad as i will if i let myself fall headlong in love with every one for the beautiful creatures they are . . . i dunno. i'm sure it doesn't make a lot of sense but i am so mixed up right now that i'll do anything to distract myself in hopes that all the problems that exist solely in my head and heart will just untangle and go away, knowing full well just how they won't do that.
At my core is a melancholy that is rotting me from the inside out and i feel helpless to cut it out of me and cleanse my soul of this poison. i seem only capable of a pretty smile and a sardonic laugh unless i get caught off guard and really pushed to respond and it's a startling fresh breath that excites and entices me but still fade away in the ebbing tide of the echoes of conversation and the trash is still there, under the new layer of sparkling sand. Waiting. A more dangerous and subtle threat as it is unseen and one wrong step will cut my tender feet to ribbons . . .
Great. This is just too sad. i have to unplug. i will go see Russ and O.Penguin and apologize to them both and tell them how much i love them both and hopefully set some of this to rights. Then, i will go home and read my book and get some sleep and move on to tomorrow when i will go to work and pick up my wonderfully exasperating daughter from school and do something nice with her. i can't remember if i had plans for Monday yet ~ my memory is getting slippery again (it usually does that when i have too many voices all clamoring for attention at once) ~ but if i had plans with you and you read this and don't remind me that is why i didn't show.
"Chorus" ~ Erasure
"And they covered up the sun until the birds have flown away
and all the fishes in the sea have gone to sleep"
Sitting in Russ' living room doing all the little hand motions from the dance and introducing Mary to Erasure . . .
confessed on 2001-04-01