i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
KILL! KILL! DIE DIE DIE!

"It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics to set you on your feet again."

TODAY IS NOT STARTING WELL.

i woke up 5 minutes BEFORE the alarm. Showered, dressed, shoes, dressed child, left. The Jack in the Box we always go to had 6 cars in the drive thru so i skipped that and the McD's had more so, desperate, we go inside. There is one cashier and he is COMPLETEING orders before even acknowledging the next customer. Asshole. i order and get the food and we walk out to the truck as my Coke spits all over my hands. i fix that and go on. Roni loses her lunch money and we find it. My Coke takes a dive and spills all over me and i start foaming at the mouth and cursing. i am stuffing the rest of the hash brown in my mouth and trying to mop up the Coke all over everything while driving and ran a stop sign. No one saw me do it. Hurrah.

i get Roni to her school and she just sits there in the truck like she has no idea what she should do now. By now i am yelling and waving my arms around,

"ROOOOOOONI! Wake UP! i LOVE YOU! GET OUT OF THE TRUCK!"
and she kinda looks at me slowly and smiles,
"i love you too, mommy!"
and just sits there.
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! OUT! OUT! OUT! GO TO SCHOOL!"
and she moves slower than the slowest thing you can contemplate as she leans over to give me a kiss and climbs out of the truck, almost forgets her backpack and doesn't quite get the door closed the first two times.

Then i notice i am trapped there anyways as some stupid illiterate hicks have stopped in the posted 'NO STOPPING' lane of the drop off area and proceeded to evacuate their van, do a little dance around it, pull out the motor, take that apart, put it back together, put it back in, wash it, clean out the inside, vacuum, and re-pack everything all during a Chinese firedrill. They blocked the tiny sports car in front of me since the car in front of them PARKED and the driver LEFT, and me so the people behind me were stuck, too and we filled up the turn-around in record time. By NOT turning around.

Though it seemed like days of being stranded there in that suffocating sea of fiberglass and plastic (after all, they don't make cars to last anymore ~ they MUST be disposable, like jobs and, for many people, lives.) it was probably only a minute or less and then i drove to work to find my cigarettes missing (i forgot them on my desk) and my desk trashed. i was on my way, catch 22 style, to a huge fit when Ra called to find out what we wanted from McD's and laughed at me. So, i sat quietly and stewed.

And my hair is frizzy today. With no visible part or style. Just . . . . POUF!

i think today is just shot and i need to go home.

To wash my Coke-soaked clothes.

i need a cigarette. Badly. NEED.

"The Power is Mine (coda)" ~ The Lords of Acid
"Let me make you happy but only if you're begging me please . . . "


0

confessed on 2001-05-01