i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
And all the more you want

i am still tired and i am still sore and it's still nice to be so busy i don't have to think much as thinking makes me dwell and dwelling makes me maudlin and then no one will want me around.

Speaking of maudlin, my family makes me cry. i'd swear they damn near hate me right now and i don't know why. The harder i try to please them the worse it gets and now i don't want to visit them anymore. i just want to send them their money and stay home where i at least have peace and i don't have to constantly defend myself and my motives for everything. If i were half of what my family and my ex's family say i am, i would have taken over the world by now. Serious.

i guess the fact that i only look guilty when i tell the truth doesn't help. Especially since i won't lie. Elude like a mug but no lies. Oh, well.

i need to go do some more physical stuff and work out more and to hell with anyone who thinks i should still be sitting on my ass and resting and relaxing since that has succeeded only in wasting all the muscle i had worked so hard for and making me squishy and depressed. i can't take this shit any more. Fuck it. They are not cutting my spine up and i won't 'take it easy'! i'll take it difficult ~ nothing worth having ever came easy.

i am sick of being tired and not able to sleep.

i am sick of being depressed.

i am sick of being squishy.

i am sick of being bored.

i am sick of being taken for granted.

Whoops! How'd that sneak in there? oh, well, i said it. It's true. Tell some one you love that you love them, ok? Tell them you notice the things they do, please! Tell them it sweet that thought you KNOW they don't like ________, they only wrinkle their nose a split second and never complain about it and that it's cute how they always unlock the door for you and always make room for you even when you didn't think they saw you at all and that you adore how they stand close when you don't want to be touched but need the support and how they know the exact right moment to slip their hand into yours and how nice it is to just see them almost every day and that even when you don't call or stop by that you do think of them and that you still love them but that sometimes you get so busy that you think 'tomorrow' but it never gets there and days slip by before you talk to the answering machine or leave a voice mail and then you miss them until they call so much it hurts but that this all sounds so sappy you just never really told them before for fear they'd think you'd lost it.

Because if you love them, you have.

Love is insanity, but look at the pretty butterflies!

"She's On Fire" ~ Train
"Well it�s not just a daydream if you decide to make it your life."


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confessed on 2001-05-11