i am not sleeping well and i'm tired all the time and i hurt all over and i don't eat much but i am gaining weight and i feel like shit. Well, my clothes are too big but I feel like I�m gaining weight. I dunno. Now I�m worried. When is the line crossed? When do you go from critical and depressed to anorexic and obsessed? Will I wake up one day and see a skeleton but envision a cow?
i keep dreaming weird dreams that freak me out and wake me up and i'm afraid of going to sleep. i don't want to talk to dead friends. i don't want to talk to stuffed animals and i certainly don't want them speaking to me.
i'm not taking any drugs, i swear. well, not exactly ~ i have to keep up the decongestant and i occasionally have some antihistamine when the allergies get exceptionally bad but i'm not taking any prescriptives or recreational substances. i'm not even drinking.
i don't usually put this stuff in here. i don't put much of anything important to me in here anymore. But i made it pretty to look at.
i'm not doing too well in almost any facet of life right now. i never have enough money and it's frustrating. i had to avoid some of my friends because they are too expensive. i pay bills and eat. i don't know where the rest is going . . . there must be a hole in the bottom of my bank account where the change slips out. i want to have my overtime back.
i am not making a lot of sense right now, i guess. i'm just flowing with it. i miss my baby girl but i am so on edge all the time i feel bad for her when she's around.
i feel bad for the crackhead and his cracked minions. Riz's parents found his diary and read the whole damn thing. What happened to respect, privacy, honesty and asking him? i mean, damn. He is in his early twenties and if you don't get out all the wildness and stupid decisions NOW, you'll only make wilder dumber mistakes that can totally ruin your life and that of your wife and kids during your mid-life crisis. he has stuff to work out. let him.
or maybe i just feel more empathy since i didn't get to finish my wild and crazy phase and now i'm holding on by a thread and feeling schitzo for it. on one hand i want to be able to NOT worry about tomorrow and party like i don't give a shit if i ever wake up and on the other hand i worry about the overtime and quality time with Roni and if Roni needs a shower tonight and what i can bribe her with to get her to take one and if i can make all the bills and still buy food or if i'm eating at Mom's cafe since we're broke again.
why is it that if a woman is single (or in public without a man) and she is dressed nice everyone seems to think she is looking for a man? that is stupid. smile and make eye contact but if i look away i don't want to be your 'special friend' so back the fuck off. that just bugs me.
"You Can Sleep While i Drive" ~ Melissa Etheridge
"My intentions are true, won't you takeme with you?
and baby, you can sleep while i drive . . ."
oh . . . i love this song so much
why can't someone say this to me?
confessed on 2001-05-30