OH! Lizzy Borden and Stumpy gave me a VCR!!!!!
Since they are merging their belongings into one home, they had a spare one to go with the DVD player and cable, too.
AND I CAN SEE!
i ran away from work and got my correct contact lenses yesterday. When i got there she was asking if i'd had any dizziness or felt bad lately and when the last time i'd had my blood sugar checked. i have been dizzy and nauseated the last few days , but since the tests came out fine when i took out the contacts this time and the new lenses work well, i am not worried. i couldn't imagine why she had me do the tests with my old contacts IN the last time. Then she checked my eyes without them. Maybe she got the wrong numbers down and pulled a prescriptive difference between 20/20 and my old contacts. All i know is that i couldn't see shit. Now i can. i am happy with my sight and all is well.
Sometimes, i don't know where to start. i have so many things to fix in my relationships with the people i love and i just don't know how.
My mom treats me like a child and my sister treats me like a hell-bound bitch and my daughter treats me like a boring mom who just doesn't understand.
i am NOT a child, i can be a bitch but i don't believe in hell as she sees it, and i don't understand it all, but i do get most of it.
i have made it almost 27 years without cutting my hand in the knife drawer, and i feel i can probably make it another 27 at the least, yet when i go to look in there for something i hear that i should be careful since there ARE sharp objects in there . . . i stayed calm and said i knew what i was doing, i'll be ok, and that i was looking for the cheese slicer. i wanted to yell, "NO! Really?! Sharp things in a KNIFE DRAWER?! What the FUCK will they think of NEXT?!� But i didn't. Not that it mattered, she just keeps on with the warnings i'd give to a six year old about how i didn't need to be in there anyways, like cheese will slice it's self or something. i tried so hard to not take it personally and let it go but she wouldn't and ended up all defensive at my attitude.
i got to where i simply avoid the house so i don't see Brat much. i love her so much and i am so proud of her though i never get to tell her that anymore. She is just not me or someone i have an easy time relating to. She is pushy with her beliefs and i am not of the same beliefs and it always ends in a fight. We are polar opposites except in our high-strung stubbornness. We won't back down when it comes to an argument and i don't want to fight with her anymore.
i have ideas of what is fun and what is not. Destroying things and playing in dirt is fun. Painting toenails is NOT. i generally have no real burning need to discuss that not-so-fresh feeling or roll someone's hair while discussing soap operas. Neither do i want to listen to the Backyard Boys or Litany Smears. She is not a big fan of Puncture or Bauhaus. She actually cares about what is happening to Dawson Leary and his pals on the Creek. i want to see The Long Kiss Goodnight about ten more times. i like the part of the horror movies when the heads get ripped off or the intestines spill. She used to be fun to insult and would trade them back, but now she's all sensitive about being "as much fun as a soggy diaper". Everything i say to her to play makes her cry and then i get frustrated and angry and she gets angry and we end up in separate rooms with dueling music and a closed door between us while nursing our wounded feelings.
When it was just her and i, we were solid. We were happy and self-contained. We were sure of each other's meanings and intentions. Now, there are so many people she likes more than me. People who she is becoming more like everyday and i don't know how to handle it. i know she loves me. Maybe even more than anyone else, not that it should matter. i just feel like i am losing to every one else, though. She'd rather spend the night with Myste right now than me. She'd rather shop and hang out with Brat than me. She'd rather call Krista ~ the girl from kindergarten who gave her a bloody nose ~ than talk to me.
i miss my baby girl and her sweet kisses and soft smell of her hair pressed under my nose and the thin arms wrapped around my neck and the cute way she would grasp a huge word and try to pronounce it correctly and use it in context. i miss the insult game and the 'i love you!' yelling matches. i miss when she was truly mine.
"For You" ~ Staind
"i need someone to help me but you don't know how to listen and let me make decisions `cause i sit here locked inside my head remembering everything you've said. This silence gets us nowhere!"
confessed on 2001-06-13