it's been a while since i sat here, ready to take this dull blade and cut, ready to spill my thoughts out, their bitter tang scenting the air with a fleeting hint of sweet folloing close behind.
i sit here, poised and waiting, but for what? a push? an idea? inspiration?
a single thought to slow down long enough for me to catch it and bend it in my fingers like sculpy. smooth this bit here, cut that part sharp with a nail, round this one up a bit more and there you go . . . it's a diary entry.
it's a thought that was followed through on and tapped out with my four fingers while i stare intently at my keyboard because i don't type like the rest of you. i can. i have. but i don't. it's always a bit of a surprise to me when i find myself typing tradtionally and the second i realize i am doing so with accuracy, i start screwing up and hav eto go back to typing with four fingers and my thumbs.
too much in my life is like that. i go along, not paying attention to it and it's doing just fine. i hit my stride at it and have reason to be proud and then suddenly, realization hits and i quickly falter, stumble and fall flat on my face.
so in recent news, i pissed off Myste and while i miss her like breathing i feel i'm right and i won't apologize. i went out of my way not to say ugly stuff that i didn't mean. i love her. she loves herself. at least we have one thing in common. i'm just sick of being shut out of my family. she offers up all these excuses but they just sound like bullshit and i'm tired of them, too.
my Wall is a super partner in crime but we have both been swamped with work and i actually snapped at him today. i feel horrible. sometimes he does like to push a bit much on one big red button, though, and i am working up an apology right now. he's really awesome and has enough on his plate right now without me adding anything.
Angel is still Angel. he still lives in WA and i still miss him. i'd give anything to fall asleep in his shoulder while watching a movie. or have dinner with him and just watch him get all animated talking about stuff that i don't even care about but would listen gladly to for hours.
Veronica is living with her dad. she doesn't call unless she wants something and flakes out on stuff with me the same way Myste does. the good news is that she's doing well in school and starting to lose the pudge she'd gathered by playing DDR religiously. she's feeling better about herself and seems to be doing alltogether better.
me . . . i am breathing. i breathe in and then out. over and over. it's really amazing how this craze is catching on. peopel all over the world are doing this and i heard a rumor the other day that it's been catching on with animals, too! i know, i was shocked as well.
i am doing fine. i am cycling through the "franticly missing sex and i'm going to burst out of my skin" and the "i really don't really care" phases but it's winding down. i haven't cracked yet. i have started baking again, though, so someone at work my drag me to the parking lot and do me up right if i don't stop feeding them all. that may not be a bad thing depending on who has their fist in my hair . . . lol!
anyways, i'm planning a road trip tomorrow morning so i am gonna work out my bills and pack now.
have a great weekend kids!
confessed on Thursday, Jan. 25, 2007