i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
"Ya've found your place with the pierced queer teens in Cyberspace"

i can hardly believe people still come here to see what i have to say. It is astounding to me that my stats have not gone down.

i miss the belonging i felt when i had something to say here on a regular basis. i miss the people i love to read, the lives i peered into from this internal window we all built for each other. i miss the knowing, the forming, the easy phrasing of every entry i typed.

i miss all this and more.

i just don't seem to be able to say much nowadays.

i listen to people yell all day and sometimes can't even form the sounds of my thoughts and knowledge into words and sentences to answer them. Even to tell them they suck old moldy rotten dismembered penis parts. Not that i would be allowed to, but still . . . i might be nice, once in a while!

i hardly listen to music anymore. When i do, i have been playing oldies and classic rock more than anything else.

i read books still. i just finished the first four Harry Potter books. i was very impressed with the richness of this beautiful internal landscape and it's varied and magical inhabitants. There is talent there that is awesome.

i think i just never got into the groove of writing again when i came back from my first little 'vacation from writing'. i seem to be stuck on 'input' with no 'out going'.

in the mean time, my house is just getting cleaner and more organized, Roni is getting older and more mature, but not growing up at all, and the bank account still fluctuates but doesn't get as low.

My two boy rats are sweet and getting older. They are pretty mellow and more trusting now. We pet and love them and test all manners of fresh veggies and breads on them. They seem to prefer their bagels toasted and still warm and their baby carrots cold and wet.

We have NES on the computer now and i have beaten every official level of Dr Mario on slow and medium, but level 21 is getting me a little crazy. no fears, my dears, i'll lick it!

Well, i'm out with this thought:


"Semi-Charmed Life" ~ Third Eye Blind
" When the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips
In the city we tripped
On the urge to feel alive
But now I'm struggling to survive
The days you were wearing
That velvet dress
You're the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties
They pass the test
Slide up around the belly
Face down on the mattress"


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confessed on Thursday, Aug. 08, 2002