i used to have whole days to just reflect upon myself and long sleepless nights to write about it. i haven't had this in about a year. Six months or so ago, i just stopped trying.

Now, suddenly, Roni's in school and i have two whole days to do whatever i want. i have long nights when i just can't sleep to give up on bed and type it all as it flows.

i knew i was feeling a little stunted and aching for a release, but i didn't realize how bad it really was. Choices are tricky things. You begin with a vague promise to "spend more time with my family" and next you're asking yourself "Do i spend too much time on the computer?" You think it'd be best to limit the time you spend 'playing on the computer' while you are ion the midst of your loved ones and one day you realize you answer the insistent stare of the blank monitor with a wince and the feel of the keys are consigned to occasional games of Tetris or Dr. Mario while you listen to your child read her nightly book aloud to you.

This goes on until the wild thing inside you wakes you up from a gracelessly oblivious sleep to drive you crazy with half-remembered dreams and snippets of songs you've never heard and phrases with the promise of forever in them. Your days are punctuated with moments when you want to cry at the tragedy of no Twix in the candy machine at work. Seriously. You go all emotionally . . . twitchy.

i started feeling dull and drab. i felt like the emotion and the color were seeping out of my world leaving it washed like watercolors with a touch of nostalgia. i'd have startled moments when i'd feel and it felt like waking.

Two days ago it got to be too much. i went to the computer, i cut a little slice and watched the blood well up, i caressed the keys, and spilled the blood across them like a sacrifice. Everyone knows you can't raise the dead without blood sacrifice . . . It just flowed all over and i couldn't stop it. i felt the pain and confusion of my muse, imprisoned and forgotten, i felt the stinging tingle as my broken imp was unbound and allowed to run free. It was a glorious and shining moment untouched by time or anything else.

i went back to bed with a sense of fullness and completion. Kinda like when you drift off to sleep following a really astounding orgasm.

Now it is driving me crazy. i can't get away from the words. They are back, flowing crazy over my brain. i have ideas all the time and they change constantly. i can't slow it let alone stop it!

i burst into tears for absolutely no reason last night. Seconds later, that was over and i was voracious. i was being silly right before the tears! It's like rapid and liquid emotions on fast forward . . .

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"Tail of the Sun" ~ Stroke 9
"This is the way it should be
i've never had the propensity to work, breed and die
i prefer to spend mine on the fly
The be'ers got to be and the flee'ers got to flee
But as for me, well...don't worry about me

i know it's way too short, it rarely lasts too long
i'm just finding the floor but when i look down, it's gone
i know it's way too short, it rarely lasts too long
i'm finding the door, but when i turn around
When i turn around it's gone"

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confessed on Friday, Aug. 30, 2002