i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
"i used to love her, but i had to kill her"

Tra-la-la-la-laaaa.

Angel and i are having disagreements. Little ones with a common theme. The theme being 'My Relationships with Others'. The categories being :

Veronica
she is a spaz. Quit being to easy on her.

parents
i do NOT need to live up to their standards and should tell them at some point to mind their own business.

sister
she is mean and will never care about anyone but herself, quit trying to wish her differently and stay away from her. Basically, don't expect her to be anything but a self-promoting user.

friends
quit trying so hard to make them happy when it hurts me. They never return this kind of effort, do they?

other people
see *friends* but yell it loudly. Wave your arms around a little.

Ok, so yeah, i may be easy on Ronica in some ways and hard in others, but she is everything in personality that i was not with the possible exception of stubborn and willful and canny. i can head off these three things, but the rest is a mystery to me and frequently makes me want to run screaming in any other direction.

My parents are . . . my parents. So what if i have reached the age of 28 without ever hearing a straight compliment from them. Who cares if the two most important people in my life where the ones who were like parents to me but weren't actually my parents. No biggie that both of these people are dead. So sue me if i carry a small broken child around in me that just wants mommy and daddy to care for even one day.

My sister. Oh, hell. Skip it. i can�t deal with her; never could, never expect to learn how.

i'm eternally optimistic despite my pessimistic outlook. This brand of internal confusion is called 'romanticism' and masques its self as gothic on occasion. It's also what the late 70's punk and early 80's hair bands were based on and we all know that they and THEY spawned the whole late 80's waver movement that further enriched out lives as it split off to dance, alternative and rave. So bite me.

Friends and other people are an amusing side project to me. i see them as so many things. i have a hard time becoming close to anyone but i love them well from a distance. Thus, i rarely see them and enjoy going out of my way to make it a good experience. i have managed to make a few close friends and i love them fiercely and consider them family. Only i know who is who and that is fine with me. People are generally a thing i watch and study. Not a thing i interact with. This works out as people generally have a poor perception of me and the overall wrong idea. i generally don't try to disabuse them of their ideas so, hey, i don't talk to many people.

OK. There. i have thought this out into words and can review this until it reflects my thoughts correctly.


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confessed on Wednesday, Oct. 23, 2002