life has been . . . complicated lately.
i have been meeting new people, trying new things, going out more, and still getting bitchier and more isolated that before.
go figure.
i just want to be happy and see the people i love happy. i don't WANT to have to find new people to love because they always leave. i don't want the ones i have now to go. i don't like change much.
but the bandage was ripped off and the yuck scraped off and we are drawing out the infection of solitude, boredom & depression that has eaten away at my soul.
i started to write again and then some things happened that sent me into a spin and i can't regain control. my thoughts can't be organized and i do the most utterly random things all the time lately.
i have found that i prefer kids to adults, too. their honestly is refreshing and joy genuine.
i just want to be able to step back, defocus and see a big picture here but i can't. everything is spinning wildly, popping like pop-corn & percolating like an old tin coffeepot. glances and memories all mixed as one and no clear indication of what is up and where down went.
i miss having a friend i can confide in. i miss the secret-keeper, the heart-in-a-box safe feeling. i miss the back to lean on and the comfort in the silence. i miss the incomplete sentences that translates for someone into volumes. i miss the shades of tenderness and the hand on my arm. i miss being needed but not feeling used up. i miss the laughter and tears. i miss the understanding. i miss the acceptance.
confessed on Tuesday, Feb. 07, 2006