i have begun something new.
there is a circular pattern to life, i've long known this as evidenced by my choice of symbols for my "spirit" - heart and Ouroboros - right there, visible to any and all.
i don't hide my convictions.
i felt a shift within me and gave my Wall the all systems green because i told him i'd always level. the next step was all his; we could remain exactly how we were or we could have more. he reached for more and felt guilty.
i won't go into my though processes in exquisite detail but i was conflicted. touched that he cared enough to worry about how his fear of commitment could hurt me and how his giving into temptation could hurt me and how... he could hurt me. stung by the thought that, regardless of what i wanted, he didn't want to keep me.
he smoothed over and healed all by the next morning as we lay chastely snuggled up, talking. life proceeded. the interaction rolled around in my head all the long lonely holiday weekend that was punctuated with visits with happy couples and it was depressing enough for me to dust off my 'what if's and examine what i do and do not want from life.

see, i live on the principle of face value. how you act and what you say are taken to mean exactly what they appear to mean. sadly, this means most normal flirting is wasted on me, if you talk to me about music, books, work, movies, tats, life, i think these are just things you like to discuss with people for varying opinions and stimulating conversation. i spent years agonizing myself in little freaked out circles playing 'what if', running scenarios, over thinking and analyzing things to death until i was a ball of nerves and panic. so i stopped. i'd still indulge occasionally and nothing good generally came out of it but i have been changing on the inside so much lately that it was time to re-evaluate what i wanted.

the story of Angel, in a nutshell, is simple: the second our eyes met, we belonged to each other. we made up characters to play in our perfect little life to please each other, both getting more miserable by the day. by the time we were on the verge of the dream we'd worked so hard for, it all fell apart because it wasn't what we'd ever wanted. six, almost seven beautiful, bittersweet years and i'll always love him, but for the first time in my life, i said "The End" and threw the first handful of dirt on the coffin.
i was pretty sure for the last year and a half that losing him would be the death of me, but here i am, still alive, healing daily, changing my life, changing me. i'd never questioned that i wanted that grand passionate desire, my world on fire, burning bright blue . . . i had decided that nothing less would do and that was that.

over that weekend, i had plenty of time to go over things and reconsider, dust off my ideals and try them on to see if they still fit. i found that they didn't feel right anymore. i didn't want that grand passion anymore. i want something that is a little more practical, realistic... healthy.

i told him this and left the decision to him. he�s got his own demons that cling and reappear at random with insanity, desperation and lies. i know that my experiences with women have left me hesitant to ever be involved with one but his . . . his would have driven lesser men to switching teams or even a monastery. He needs someone to love and care for him but he seems terrified that someone may want to. i feel ashamed for my gender when i see what women are capable of doing to a man.
in the end, he chose to accept the additional benefits i offered. this is, of course, a temporary arrangement as i know he is prowling and i have a grand plan. more on that later, i�m tired of writing today and i have new books and movies to dive into with abandon!

2 questions, comments, concerns, congrats . . .

confessed on Sunday, Dec. 02, 2007