i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
you're more amazing, less fucked up every day

i rarely understand why i cry.
i hate crying, it makes me angry.
i tend to react to outward emotion like a boy - if it's good, it's alll good, but if it shows vulnerability or anything negative, i get uncomfortable and angry.
crying generally means i want to destroy a small village or something, i'm so angry.

sometimes, some of us are just fractured inside and stuff just flows the wrong way. i am comfortable in control of me, i'm ok when someone is upset only if i can fix it. if i can't, i want to run.

i love to help others. in doing so, i find myself feeling powerful and vital, like i have, for just a little while, proven myself worthy of living; like i'm paying for my right to exist. this may seem fucked up but i'm only confident when i'm in control of a situation, teaching, guiding, entertaining and managing things. when i follow, i feel meek, mild and uncertain. or bored and wicked.

i used to damage myself. it started out physical, but it wasn't enough, it didn't make me feel. i moved on to behavioral patterns and a spiraling descent into psychotic depression and misanthropy. climbing out of that hole was something i could never have done alone, but still, i had to actively decide to do it.

it has taken years to unearth and discover all the little patterns and habits that contribute to the overall path i delved into repeatedly. this year i finally cut the shit and brutally rooted out some that i'd turned a blind eye to and defended. i have made changes that still boggle my mind and many of them are in my own head.

i see myself making new choices and traveling new paths now, and while i'm not sure that these are better, per se, they are new and untraveled for me so at least i'm making new mistakes instead of the same old ones, over and again. there is something to be said for that.

i guess mostly i wanted to tell you that no one feels exactly the way you do or has been in the same places you've been, but i recognize the terrain and i know that you can navigate this.
just don't forget that the deepest night can only last so long. you just have to wait it out sometimes and then turn your face to the sun and move on.


1 people understand

confessed on Saturday, Jan. 05, 2008