hello, everybody, i am wee-taahhh-did.
i went out tonight as planned, with Angel. We had a good time.
we met up at my place and threw around a few ideas, decided to catch the move another time and just go to the Grill where the battle of the bands was directly. he drove.
we ate a bit of dinner and walked about, talked about superficial stuff and found seats to chill in. so far, so good.
all four bands were great but i was restless and energetic and wanted to run about like crazy but didn't because he was tired and wanted to chill. Dragonfly Jones won the contest (a shocker to me if you were asking since they are a younger band and play a younger music - i thought that the older band that played a pure rock set including an awesome rendition of the Allman Brother's Whipping Post was a shoo-in, but i guess i thought wrong) and Slimshine Brown's bass player took a swing (or went 'ballistic' - depending on who we asked) at the judges and got himself arrested.
as Angel was dropping me off, i stepped up to the plate and took a swing.
i struck out.
i asked about him opening up to me and letting me truly be a friend.
i was denied - he says what he is is not pretty and he refuses to bring that to me, to do that to me. he fears scaring me away or losing me, maybe. he says that is not something he can ruin my life with.
i asked him to give me the 5% in full - that if all i was going to get from him is the top 5% (the GOOD stuff) then give it ALL back to me. let me be the one who loves him. the safe place he can go and be content and happy enough. where he can be nice, normal. let me have that which he honestly says he misses and loves.
i was refused. he said he cannot let me get all wrapped up in those feelings again and that he himself cannot be a yo-yo. yes, he still loves me and always will. yes, he still wants me and always will. no, he will not give into that again ever. not even as an undercover love affair.
now, before you look at me funny and think i was asking for sex, i wasn't. i was asking for the opportunity to date, love each other honestly, be something like what we were but better. where he had his life and i had mine but we scheduled time to be together.
i don't want him to be in the middle of my life - he's not comfortable there. i don't want to be in the middle of his. i am not needed there, i'd be out of place and he does NOT want me there. he feels that it is inappropriate for me to be 'dragged into it'. i understand far more that he is willing to see and i accept that.
i just want him. if i can't have all of him, i'll take what he has to give.
i know sounds dumb and idealistic. sounds like i think it'd be easy. it is and i know it wouldn't have been.
all i can say now is that i do truly hope he goes and gets laid soon. i need that to happen so he won't be so on edge. i need that to happen so i won't have to think that i was the last and only one he wants. it'll be easier for me to know he's cleansed his palate for reasons i can't explain to you - you either understand or you don't.
i have nothing left to give to another person and i have tried out those feelings recently. i was done with relationships and finally happy with me and my single life. i had a sex life if you count my occasional evenings with a certain friend. there was tenderness and friendship and both of us were happy with the way it worked. it wasn't going to last forever and we remained close friends even when that part was over because we had no expectations to live up to.
i was well and truly over the whole mess of it.
then came the moment that i looked into Angel�s eyes and i knew. i'd not have traded a single second since for anything in the world.
now that it is finally fully over and closed i feel free. like i could fly away on the next breeze. i was ready to take on a huge load that would have been beautiful but very very tricky and a lot of work. in a way, i guess he did us both a favor in the long run, i would have been a mine field and i don't know if he could have done it. i really don't know if i could have, either. i knew i had to put the thought out there so it was addressed and decided, though, because if i didn't, it would have eaten away at me. maybe at him, too, i don't know.
so i did.
and it was a no-go for launch.
and weirdly enough, i think i'm fine with that.
i hope he doesn't completely freak out now, but i guess he might. i know we were talking past each other and he may not get that i'm fine. i can only guess that he'll probably assume i threw myself in bed and cried all night.
funny, for the first time in days, i think i'll just go to sleep . . . and sleep well, for a change.
"Peaceful, Easy Feeling" ~ The Eagles
"i found out a long time ago
what a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
and i gotta peaceful, easy feeling
and i know you won't let me down
'cause i'm already standing on the ground
i get this feeling i may know you
as a lover and a friend
but this voice keeps whispering
in my other ear, tells me
i may never see you again
'cause i get a peaceful, easy feeling
and i know you won't let me down
'cause i'm already standing on the ground"
2 people understand that peaceful easy feeling
confessed on Sunday, Jul. 27, 2003