last night was an amazing evening of good friends and freakish goofiness. i had more fun than i've had in about a year all in one night - with minimal drinking even!
but then, everything is surreal and hysterical at 2:30 am!

i have to welcome my beloved Wireless Mouse to the D*land. she found me on the space, followed the bouncing links over here, and read until she loved me. then she stalked me until i got scared and caved - i'm her friend now and i get to live, too!
seriously, though, she is beautiful and funny and even my bondage pants have a party when she slips them on . . . they love her ass and don't care who knows it. i heard them whispering last night about how excited they were to be all holding, touching, rubbing her ass and how good it feels when she's in side them. funny, they don't talk dirty to ME like that! i think they wanna put the blueberry in her muffin!

in other news, i have been talking to Angel and i've made my peace with Myste. i love and need them both, and my life just doesn't fit me right if they aren't part of it. Myste and i have been through and seen each other though more than most COUPLES have and while we don't see each other like that, i still wouldn't want a life without her. she balances me in a way no one else ever has - we temper each other's extremes. her leaving all of us hurt me more than i can express and while it's realty scary to have faith in her, i do. i hope she finally understands that, in our sphere, my loyalty lies with our children first and her a very close second.

Angel is a whole different story. he was an earth shattering experience. there was a grandness to everything, a magnification, if you will. there was a lot of love and a desperate need to be needed left unfulfilled. we have a lot of issues to work out and resolve. we have been working through them slowly but surely and we talk every day. most of the time, its like its back to the days when we were still friends, before all the frustration and anger got in the way. i feel good talking to him, we laugh, joke, insult each other without being scared that the smallest little thing would set off the other.

other days, like today, i miss him so much it aches deep down to my soul. this was supposed to be our wedding day. this was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. this used to be my ultimate happiest, luckiest day ever.

not so much, anymore.

now, tonight, at this very moment, i have just about showered my skin off, my hair is clean, i have a cheese-n-pickle sandwich brewing in the back of my mind and i am online. i called off going out because i just didn't think i could. i am strongly considering just going to bed and sleeping until i have to get up for my 7am OT tomorrow. talk about Honeymoon in Vegas! i can get called a dirty whore AND make big bucks - who could ask for more? granted, that whore thing is a joke (i'm pretty sure) and i have to really earn the money (not complaining) but still . . . welcome to the hell that is my slow-motion mental and emotional breakdown!

most days are winners and i'm making progress daily, but some moments catch you at a weak time and jab in a killing blow. bob & weave, baby!

3 out of 5 days will be just fine

confessed on Friday, Oct. 13, 2006