Open mouth
jump in with both feet
do the twist.
Awww . . . why not? i did.
i'm sorry, ok? Just stop reading the fucking diary, Brat.
Did i not say i loved you? Did i not, for years, deal with conflicting emotions, over you, so strong that i was torn? Did i not say i was proud of how passionate and dedicated you are? Did you miss the part about how i just don't want you here? This is MINE, not yours. If i wanted to say something to you, personally, i would. Right now, i don't know what to say to you and i'd rather not say anything. I talk to myself here and work things out. This is my head. Stay out of it please, it�s not a pretty place.
No family is prefect and ours is stronger and more loving than many ~ that does not mean closer. i have hurts that may never heal inflicted, accidentally and otherwise, by the ones i loved most and i live with those choices. Choices they made and ones i made in response and the disasters and blowups that followed like a string of dynamite firecrackers.
None of us were all right and none of us were all wrong, we are humans. We all know i am the one who feels it all so much more; it holds me longer and worms it's way into my heart and mind. i would not be me if i didn't. i can't change it ~ i have tried. i am working so hard to peel back the layers and fix one thing at a time and there are times it's so fresh and painful and i don't need to be around anyone. i am sorry you caught me on one of those days. Sorry, sorry, sorry. i apologize for what i said and how you felt.
i am trying so hard to make me work right inside. i am paralyzed inside and broken and dead in spots and tender and soft in others . . .
i will never make sense to you. You will never make sense to me. i have accepted this and i stopped trying to fit the pieces of you together.
i have asked you before and you had no respect for my request. i will ask you one more time. Please stop reading this diary.
"Apart" ~ The Cure
"How did we get this far apart?
We used to be so close together . . . "
confessed on 2001-06-18