i am tense and false today.
i am jumpy and my temper is snapping at everything and every one.
i feel like hurting something or someone.
This shames me.
i don't know why.
That scares me.
Fuck.
Well, work was . . . work. i chose 8:30 - 5:30 with Thursday/Friday off. Please, just don't let me get the same asshole i have now for a supervisor.
Today started weird. i was so busy last week that i didn't do laundry. (Read: 'i was busy some days and got a new computer so i played on it the other days') Rather than wear my jeans another day or pick out a nice but torturous outfit that was clean, i threw on some junk and dropped Ronica off at school on time for breakfast for a change. Then i ran to Wal-Mart to grab a new zippered hooded sweatshirt since my grey one disappeared at work. by the time i found them, realized that they don't have the colors i want in my size or the size i want, pick a color i can live with (dark blue) and turn around, the stretch denim capris had had time to preen and flip their tags to face me. Now, we all know i'm not really a girl-girl, but every woman has a price; an Achilles� heel, so to speak; mine is comfortable durability. if i can wear it for the next five years without worrying about it falling out of fashion or wearing too thin, it's lighting my eyes up. If it's comfy, my heart speaks up. If it's denim or black, i get a little dizzy. When it's all this AND almost cute without compromising the tomboy look . . . i check the price tag. The price tag glance is a major commitment for girls. It shows undeniable interest. It's like the dating equivalent of letting you get us a little tipsy and giving you a test run in bed. It's admitting that we are nibbling on the hook, waiting for you to set the line and catch us. The pants were under $20, in my favorite size (baggy) and had pockets! Functionality!!!! (Why is it that designers think women don't use pockets? That is so very frustrating. i just about won't buy anything anymore without pockets.) right behind the was a great shirt that had 3/4 sleeves and a lace up V with a wide dipping neckline. In black. Oh, honey, baby! it was under $11. i came in my pants and checked out the shoes. Boy that dried it up fast! Oh, well, it was time to go so i checked out and changed clothes in the parking lot much to the surprise of this guy in a truck that drove by. It was instant feel-good. you give anyone new, cool, comfy clothes in their favorite colors and they wil feel good for a while.
Of course, it didn't last. It never does . . .
i had restless dreams last night. i started reading a new diary recently that really reminded me that i hardly ever see my best friend and i miss him. Russ has Mary and i have Angel. This keeps us all very busy and Angel and Russ to guy things together now while i stay behind like a good little mommy and i guess i'm saying i feel a bit left out and forgotten. He and i used to be inseparable and now i rarely talk to him. i have been changing into a girlthing. i got happy, now i'm getting rounder, soon i'll start wearing makeup again. It's sick, i tell you!
Help me stop the transformation! For just dollars a day you can make this tomboy's life back into what it should be. You can provide her with free weights and a bow flex, boxes of porn, some Doc Martin's combat boots, a reason to work out on a regular basis until she can bend metal with her bare hands again, and give her back the calluses on her feet so think she can walk on broken glass with out a scratch. This will redeem her faith in life and beat the latent la-la-sissy-girl tendencies out of her. For your donation, you'll get a picture of your sponsored tomboy giving you the bird while using power tools to build a bookshelf for the porn collection. If you sign up in the next 30 minutes, she will personally come to your house and beat the living fuck out of you! Don't wait another day! Tomboys around the world are shopping for makeup as we speak!
confessed on Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2002