i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
This started life as a letter to a friend . . .

sometimes, the people we love the most do the craziest things. you have to love when they throw you a curve.

Angel left and moved to Seattle in April. it took a long time for me to even speak to him again but when i did, i was very surprised.
he'd been crappy to me before he left to make me mad so i'd not hurt so bad. he wanted me angry rather than depressed.
he loves it there but he misses me. he knows for certain now that he doesn't want anyone else in the forever sense. i know the same for me. i have a life that i'm tied to with bonds of steel here. things i have to finish and obligations that frankly, i love. i am not able to just uproot and leave at a moment's notice.
he came back in town for Christmas and is staying with me. it's amazing the changes we've made on our own that brought us back to where we started. i will move up there some day, but first, i have a daughter to raise.
this Christmas has been a little nuts for most the people i know and love - full of beautiful moments in the roughest places - like finding a diamonds lying lose on a rocky Maine shore in December. but some of these moments just fill you up until you feel like you'll overflow . . .

i just wanted to let you know i'm still here. i don't write much at the moment but i'm working through a lot in my head for a change. i love my diary, i'll keep it forever but some things are just for me.

i have made some good changes - i decaffeinated, quit smoking, don't eat as much and started drinking water again. i repierced my tongue because i love it that way and dyed my hair black again. it's finally pretty long and i'll keep it that way because i like it. i am losing weight and recently started walking up the stairs at work . . . sometimes. maybe i'll lose more. i am shooting for healthy and i think i may just get there.

i still have bad moments when i'm really lost and i don't know what to do, but then, who doesn't? i still have a sadness soaked into my bones and enough rage to end the world, but i am working to find an outlet as much as i am fighting to find joy in everything i can, every day.

i'm tired of losing everything that i hold dear so i have decided to fight back. there is a new series of "slef-help" books (slightly different than "self-help". some of us need to work on our slefs) that may be created in a limited run. each one answers all your questions with one profound and life altering demand - "GET ON YOUR KNEES!" in a way, i think Mandy & Joshie are right. if you want to succeed in this life you need to get on your knees in one way or another. maybe i'll just find something new to do while i'm down here.


0 people on their knees.

confessed on Friday, Dec. 22, 2006