i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
it's ok to punch me

Sometimes I want to say, "I want to know why I'm so easy to leave, too. I'm tired of being used up, too. I'm sick of being depressed and letting things go to shit. I hate that I have no control in certain aspects of my life and I settle for too little in others. I fantasies about unzipping my skin, stepping out of it, running away from my life and never coming back. So don't you think for a second that you're the only one. You may be alone in YOUR despair, but other people are right next to you neck-deep in their own."

The only problem is the I started doing the leaving, I ditched the users and learned "NO." I got angry and stopped being depressed. I made a new little life that is tiny and quiet but enjoyable nonetheless. I took action. I gave some away, threw some away, tore some up into little pieces by hand and hammer until I felt comfortable with myself. I still allow some aspects of my personality to flow unrestrained but only one is unhealthy.

I also know that it doesn't help if someone tells you it's doable. It is no consolation to know that someone else WAS a newt and got better. It only makes you feel like you're failing that much more to not be able to snap your fingers and get better, too. All I can say is you have to learn to love your self and admit you're angry and that it's perfectly valid anger. You have to direct it outwardly instead of inward. You have to decide when you've had enough. You have to move forward on your own steam, leaving all the baggage behind - no one can carry you.


confessed on Sunday, Sept. 02, 2012