last night i stayed up all damn night again.
i was online waiting for The Tick 'cause he'd asked why i was MIA for a week and a half when my gramma came up and started chatting with me. somehow, we got on the subject of my father, Rick, and the next thing i know i'm searching www.switchboard.com for him. it only took three search refinements before i found what looked to be him and, to my surprise, the number looked a bit familiar! i dialed it and ended up talking to him from 11 until 2:30 . . . it was really cool.
he was drinking a few cocktails last night and toasting his 'lady' who recently lost a fight with breast cancer. they'd been together about 20 years or more. they�d never gotten married or lived together and both seems to like the extended stays and respect for personal space and privacy that they each needed so it worked for them. he seemed to really be missing her and his family, too - he lost both his parents a few years ago and they'd been close. makes me feel shitty for not having been better about keeping in touch these last two years.
after letting him go i called my Mexiwok and talked to him again to let him know i was ok as i'd cried on him earlier in the evening. it was a hormonal thing. after i allowed Joey to go back to sleep, i rearranged and cleaned my room.
hey, at least i wasn't vacuuming at 3:45 am!
after i got the room in some semblance of order i crawled up into the cushy corner i'd made and curled up for a pair of hours. i have my alarm set for 5:45 so that i can shower and still be dressed and out the door by 6. people who take more than 30 minutes to get ready in the morning scare me and i even think i take too long.
i think i pissed off or upset Angelus today. i didn't mean to, really i didn't. i just got all ruffled when he got snotty about time today. i found out while at work that the VBS Ronica was promised she could go to was this week. i was trying to work in dropping her off at my parents' in time for church and he was all about trying to put me off another day.
i got irritated at him.
i have done nothing but bend over in many ways to make everything as easy as possible for him so he tells me he wants a friend then says he can't be my friend right now, blows me off last night after promising to get his 'remainders' out of my living room wasting my whole evening waiting for him wondering if i should even bother calling to remind him if he's that rabid to stay away, insists on doing me a favor then pounces on the first chance to put it off.
if that doesn't define blowing hot and cold, i don't know what does.
and to top it all off he talks funny around me - all forced cheerfulness and pretend happy. like i didn't get my fill of that for the last two years. i want him to stop being nice to me all the time. stop pretending to care. stop acting like he likes being here when the plastic coating and sheen of wax are blinding and oh so fake looking.
i just wish he would BE. if he can't do it here, then he needs to go. i'm sick of the fake and the lying. it makes my stomach churn to see that shit - especially now.
anyways, he couldn't do any of what he promised in the end and just got his shit and left. i was already waiting on Mom to pick of The Ronica so i just waited and just couldn't think of anything i really felt like doing at that point despite a huge To Do List full of crap.
i feel like a bad person since i was all impersonal and gruff to Angelus and he left all weirded out. maybe everyone else in the world was right - you just can't stay friends.
i know he doesn't want me back and won't come back. i just don't know why he still comes by when he's all unhappy here. he told me that i never brought him happiness. it was close but just not enough. what do you say to something like that? i tried. i really tried to share the happiness he brought to me. i'd give up anything i own to have him smile for any reason for all the good it does me. i have nothing he wants besides a few skills and fixations. i guess that's all i do well. i just don't know if i should take that to heart or blow it all off if you pardon the pun.
oh, hell. i guess it'll just work out in the long run. i'll never trust him if he won't stop faking everything around me and i can't befriend someone i can't trust. all i ever want from him is honesty and respect - things i give over in spades and the only things he ever refused to give me.
"superhero" ~ Ani Difranco
"sleep walking through the all-nite drug store
baptized in fluorescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.
'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that things look different now
different in so many ways
i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
if i was dressed in my best defenses
would you agree to meet me for coffee
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors
would you still know which one was me
if i was naked and screaming
on your front lawn
would you turn on the light and come down
screaming, there's the asshole
who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down
i used to be a superhero
no one could hurt me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
yeah you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and now i'm a different person
different in so many ways
tell me what did you like about me
and don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing
i used to be a superhero
i would swoop down and save me
from myself
but you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else"
1 = number of nights i have slept well
confessed on Wednesday, Jul. 09, 2003