it's been a while.
i missed me.
the world didn't miss me but that's ok - i usually don't miss the world, either. it's kind of a nonintentional self absorbtion.
last week was a miserable visit to hell.
Veronica was caught stealing again and this time it was big. it impacted a friend's job, home & life. it hurt people i was close to. it brought out things about us all i was happier not knowing. to deflect the heat Veronica lied about someone saying that he molested her. it was a lie and i know it, Chip knows it, Myste knows it . . . we all do. Even Olivia, 3,000 miles away, told me it was a lie before i ever explained.
We pulled Veronica out of public school - her precious precious school - and moved her to a private Christian PACE-setting school out in Bridgeport. her brothers go there and they leave the house at 6am so this last week and a half she's been staying here, at Chip's. yes, i said HERE. that's where i am every night.
i come straight here from work and leave to go home and sleep. i sat down with Myste and we worked our shit out the night before the first councelling session after we dealt with the reparations and Veronica. it was a tough night and we both cried a lot but at least we are on even ground and facing this as a family - fractured but growing stronger every day. it's been emotionally draining.
i get up every morning when Angel calls me and we talk for about 30 minutes until he has to go to bed and he's sure i won't go back to sleep. he's doing ok - reclusive but working and fighting his demons. he's got a long way to go before he's ready to look outward at what he wants to achieve in life, but he's pushing and fighting to harness and channel the rage and misery inside him. i am proud of him and the effort he's putting into it.
then i go off to work - the only place i feel strong, confident, sure of what i'm doing. i love my job, i really do. i didn't think i'd make it past my first 3 months there and i never dreamed that i'd ever be this satisfied and happy with another job again, but i am. i work with some really great people that make me feel a belonging that is rare for me. i'm still a little socially akward at times but then, i'm suspicious and cutting to every guy that smiles at me, so . . . yeah. i'm working on that. i am just so tired of the BS that comes with flirting, relationships and everything in between that sometimes i just can't stop myself. at least my Wall undestands.
he's such a hoot! i enjoy our banter - he's funny and quick witted, sarcastic and can take an insult as well as he dishes them. he and Heather always crack me up.
after work i come back here and play with the boys and Veronica. Micah and Jacob are so precious! Jacob finally came around and loves his Aunt Melissa ALMOST as much as Micah does - i feel like i won a huge victory! we wrestle and tumble and i lay the smackdown on them but then the tables turn and i get attacked by vicious tigers and eaten alive by giant dinosaurs, so it's all good. good and loud with a lot of laughing and bruises - elbows, knees, feet to the head and fingers in the eye. *grin* boys are such fun! i always leave a little sad because while i'm here, i fit and it all makes sense but i still go home alone. i cherish the quiet and peace of my apartment but it's so big and empty at the same time.
i think i scared off the guy i was sorta seeing. all this went down and suddenly i'm exhausted and always busy or ready to crash. i would try to feel bad about it but . . . he doesn't really need me. i adore him and value his friendship but he's so young and has so much ahead of him that he is crazy to be talking to me. he deserves so much more than i have to give. i hope he finds that out there.
hell, it's not like i'm some great catch or anything, anyways. i know my limitations and my attributes and i'm a mess. i'm a great friend but for anything else . . ? i don't know. i never have thought i was all that special. maybe it's just me.
well, it's dinner time and i guess i'll eat tonight since i haven't eaten anything but a handful of chips and some shredded wheat crumbs since Monday. and i'm still not hungry - that's what i find amazing. the incredible shrinking me!
in any event - later kids - it's a chicken fajita awaiting me!

1 blue ballons bounced over the wall

confessed on Tuesday, Sept. 19, 2006