why is it so hard to understand that love does not hurt you and is not selfish?
how does the concept of friendship come down to "what can you do for me? what am i willing to do for you"
i guess i'm the idiot who thought friendship was about having a friend.
FRIEND - one attached to another by affection or esteem
funny, that doesn't say anything about money or favors or sex . . . am i missing something here?
i don't want a friend for what they can do for me. i am not a prostitute and don't appreciate being bought. i'd hope that if a friend calls me, they are calling because they like me and desire my company.
i don't want to feel like a dirty secret like you have to cook up an excuse to see me or like you have to do some favor for me in order to justify your visit. i don't want to be called unless you want to talk to me.
i'd hope no one assumes to know me well enough to read my mind and know all my motives for the way i talk and the things i say. generally, if i like someone, i will say to them exactly what i am thinking. if i don't like someone, i try not to talk to them at all. They simply don't exist in my world.
now, this doesn�t mean that if i haven't called you up recently, i hate you. that may just mean that i don't have a lot to say right now, but when i do talk to you, what do i say?
lately, i haven't seen many people or talked to anyone much because i have a lot to think on. when i have too much, i withdraw into myself and deal. i'll usually have one or two people who hear about it but they are the only ones i converse with.
i am trying really hard to pick up the pieces of my life and move on. Angelus is acting all weird and i get the distinct impression that he fluctuates between hating me and feeling guilty so he's avoiding me. he's still not 'comfortable' or whatever. screw it. that is his problem, not mine. i am not placing my life on hold for someone who respects me so little as to not even be honest with me. the more this goes on, the more i get this fucked up attitude from him, the less i want to see him.
i see how he acts now and i have to wonder if it seriously was all a lie. the whole time. i have begun to doubt he ever loved me. maybe i was convenient and fun and gave great oral so it was worth it but you don't want to get tied down to a fun time when shit starts getting serious. do you realize that he never, in two years, gave me a gift? i was allowed to go shopping with my own money, but he never cared enough to go buy me a gift. i would buy stuff for him all the time - little things that i put thought into. i cared enough to think about him and what he would want and i'd go get it as a surprise.
i guess that is one of the little telling signs. he assumed he knew better than i about everything, too. very condescending about a lot. he liked to be in complete control of everything, too.
i feel like an idiot for overlooking these things and more. i was trusting and yet again i see how that is rewarded. and people wonder why i have difficulty trusting others.
Angelus says that everyone he's ever trusted has stabbed him the back. no, they haven't. i never did. i never will. he stabbed me first so i'd not care enough to try.
the sad thing about all this is that i still care. i guess i'm dumber that i look.
"not a pretty girl" ~ Ani DiFranco
"i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling
and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl"
confessed on Saturday, Jul. 12, 2003