i dreamt i saw you walking
up a hillside in the snow
casting shadows on the winter sky
as you stood there counting crows
one for sorrow, two for joy,
three for girls, and four for boys,
five for silver, six for gold, and
seven for a secret never to be told

there's a bird that nests inside you
sleeping underneath your skin
when you open up your wings to speak
i wish you'd let me in

from "a murder of one" ~ counting crows
how i finally got some sleep

Angel simply walked up to the first person he saw in Neon East and mugged him because he thought the guy looked stupid. yes, he randomly picked the right person. Professor Chewy, the guy i had to schmooze when i first got there is the one i had to turn around and mug. go figure.


So, training is done and i am one of six out of a class of twelve that is still gainfully employed, at least for the moment. the other half vanished with out comment or explanation never to be heard from again. i heard a rumor that one was for attendance and two were for falling asleep while the big boss'o'all-of-us was in our class for a thirty minute interview/lecture thingy but they are only speculation.


my first day was scary. i almost screamed the first time my phone rang. i don't know why this job is so daunting, but if i was forced to guess i would say it may be something to do with the rapidly shrinking class and the Stepford quality happiness that abounds. if you ask about someone who just wasn't there one morning everyone gives you a cheerful smile and chirps, "Oh, so-n-so has fulfilled their time with us!" and people behind them shoot quick glances at each other from the corners of their eyes while they turn to look suddenly busy. it's like they know one newbie is sacrificed to the paper shredder every month and they tossed your name around in the last secret meeting . . .


Despite the strangely sinister undertones that you can almost not catch, the whole of the place is pretty laid back and friendly with the exception of the hooker at the register in the canteen and the national security at the elevators on the ground floor. most people are friendly and helpful or they simply leave you alone.


Yes, i bought the new Potter book and finished it the next day. no, i didn't sleep much and i couldn't make it home in that traffic with an almost done book beside me so i stopped at the first place i saw and ordered some tea and something off the menu that i don't really remember eating so i could sit there and read. no spoilers here but i will say it was both exhilarating, confusing, and disappointing in the end. but it was perfect because it's not supposed to be and never has been a cookie cutter milk-n-cookies story. bad things happen to good people and people let you down. i loved it.


i miss my baby girl so very much. i get emotional and moody. i cry for no reason. i am so lonely here without her that it's driving me crazy. i'm sleeping so badly now that i pop generic no-doz and suck down diet soda all day to stay awake and i have to keep busy or i'll try to sleep from 7 to 7 and do it all over again the next day.


i don't WANT to be depressed over this. i know i'm making the right choice. i know i don't want my daughter growing up in a low-class hood. i don't care what color my neighbors are, honestly i don't. i don't care where they came from or what they speak. i love that The Ronica was starting to learn some Spanish before we moved. i am horrified by the way she was acting and the kids she was bringing around. i don't want my child to be a . . . i don't want her on drugs or pregnant or both by the time she's 12.


to make this happen she is going to be living with her Dad & Myste for a year. they are in a much better area with an excellent school district. maybe she'll even become challenged enough to find a renewed interest in school. ok, i'm still a mom so i can dream a little.


i am tired and i still have to check into the freaks that want to be my friends on myspace. they don't even know me and i'm a little freaked out that they are asking if they can be my friend.


3 people wanna be my friend

confessed on Friday, Jul. 29, 2005