Fabulous! Just Peachy! Happy New Year! i will not ask your resolutions, frankly, i do not need to know what they are. If i am to help you, you'll ask me, and if i need your help i will ask. i will say now that i am very worried about one of my bestest friends and if you are praying people please do so or you can simply chant "please help Peachy make the right choices, please help her be as strong as we know she is!" My sweet darling is taking the hard road out of her misery and it won't be simple and she will want to fall back and if she is ever going to be happy she will need some love and support and a hand or two along the way ~ just make sure you pinch her really cute butt once in a while to show her she stil has it! ; > Hey, it can't hurt! You will know who soon enough, but it is her secret to tell and i can wait as long as she knows i love her and will point out the holes and problems, i will sometimes argue that this or that could be a mistake, but i will always support the final decisions and back her up 100 million % . . . oh, darling, please just know i love you!
That's just me. i never learned to hold back anything depsite all my lessons in life. But would you really be here if i had? Prolly not, so i learned to pick better friends. Oh i wish i had that house now . . . a home for all the best and most wonderful to gather and stay or go as they pleased . . . a haven of acceptance and it would have a recording studio, too! i have daydreams about it sometimes when i need to escape and relax. Have you ever seen the Disney version of Hercules? there is this moment when Zeus pulls a bit of this and some of that to make Pegasus . . . that's what i wish i could do. Or what they did in Weaveworld ~ pull a bit of here and some of there to put in the weave. i am rambling a bit here i know but i am nervous and worried and feeling helpless and i hate helpless. i am so goofy. i can't fix my life but i work so hard to make everyone else's good. Did you know that The Spark says i am a 'guru'. i believe it. people ask me things they wouldn't ask their mom, and somehow i convince then they know the answer that is right for them. i don't know why. i won't lie and i can be brutally blunt . . . i have a sick and disturbed sence of humor and nothing is sacred. My life is a comedic tragedy and i contrdict almost every thing i know i should do. But for a friend or stranger, i put it all away and spout off like the Oracle at Delphi. i really ought to shut up now. The spark also told me i was a horrid slut and 70% bitch. OK, those of you who really know me can stop laughing now. Really. Oh, just shut up, K?
i am going to be divorced this year. This in NOT a resolution. It just IS. i am going to stop partying until i have the fucking money to do it myself. Let me tell you guys, Love doesn't make the world go `round . . . maybe once it did, but to move mountains these days, you need money. Hey, don't yell at me, it wasn't MY idea ~ i am just admitting that i understand it and i will respect this law for the time being because disregarding it has proved fruitless. i will not hold my breath that what Chip owes me will ever come in, either. Not only have i yet to see my child support, but the $300 from the electric bill i paid off for him (long story ~ it was NOT willingly) . . . still MIA. Yeah, he has his moments and sometimes i can see a glimpse of what i thought i saw long ago, but i sometimes wish i had never told him i was pregnant. i don't know how it would have been better, but i can be selfish and weak sometimes, right? i also dream of a world without rapists and child molesters. Somehow he seems to be right up there with them in my humble and very biased opinion.
i am so crappy to bring everybody down today of all days. i am just looking at this last year and wondering what did i do? How did i improve my life? How did i improve anybody's? No, i do NOT need Clarence to come and help me out on this one. i am so ill of trite and cheese-laden renditions of that theme. i started last year with Big Gay Al and by V.D. he was gone and i didn't even care but for my daughter's broken heart. i gave superficially and got back the same, no great loss. i moved Russ to Dallas, then back. i nursed him through a really bad breakup. i got involved with my Baby Boy and then got him back as a friend and i was amazed. i somehow aquired over 100 CDs. i got back in touch with Morticia, O.Penguin, Naomi, Apryl, Brother Dan, and some other people that touched base and moved on. i gave women a real chance. i decided to take a year off and figure out what i really want and need and why i am so confused. i started this diary as a way to do just that. i used to write and i stopped, now it's so bottled up that i am writing everywhere! i have yet to fully open up and let loose all that is within my head, but i have started and somebody likes it. i have made some new friends that i like very much. i have witnessed the woman i have been in love with forever fall in love and i have let her go to hold on to her. Today's song may seem so cheesy, but it it is all for her and she knows why. i gained back almost half of the weight i lost the year before by being lazy and insecure and trying to make myself unattractive. i watched my baby sister grow wings and start learning how to use them. i had to explain to my eventual ex-husband that a boy he allowed into his home molested our daughter. i had to talk to her about it and assure her it was not right, not her fault, and always OK to tell me when some one makes her uncomfortable in any way. i stood by as the son i always wanted was born to the man i married by his fiancee when he has yet to divorce me. i took him to court to finally settle child custody and support and i waived two years of back support on good faith. i supported a good friend in her fight to find out who she is and what she needs. i gave in to temptation and found that though it is amusing, some temptations are better left alone. (hold that breath a minute first . . . ) i have yelled "i LOVE YOU!" i have yelled "WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" both at Roni. i apologized to her. i came to terms with sleeping in my bed alone. By buying not one, but TWO body pillows to take up space and keep me warm. Oh, hell, and to hold on to. i have made some big mistakes. i have made some great choices. i guess this last year was worthwhile as years go. i guess it has helped to put it all out here.
"This is a song I've been singing for a long time. It's like an old friend. But, you know, I think it, it's only recently that I discovered what it's really about."
You've got to give a little, take a little,
and let your poor heart break a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
You've got to laugh a little, cry a little,
until the clouds roll by a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
As long as there's the two of us,
we've got the world and all it's charms.
And when the world is through with us,
we've got each other's arms.
You've got to win a little, lose a little,
yes, and always have the blues a little.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
That's the story of, that's the glory of love.
The Glory of Love by Billy Hill from the soundtrack to "Beaches"
confessed on 2001-01-01