Hey, luvs, just wanted to let you know i felt a bit better than earlier. Still have a headache and feel a little nauseated, but i got some sweet loving from my baby and i feel relaxed and . . . diffused. Better.
Just so you know, if i wasn't in control of me as much as i am now, and if i didn't know as much about me as i do now, my depression would not be small lapping waves that gently swell up on the shore of my puddle. They would be deadly tsunamis headed straight for India, destroying everything in their paths and they would have hit long before now in my curent situation.
Any chronic depressive who has ever been medicated would understand what i just said and what the implications are. It's not an issue of being happy or sad. a chronic depressive probably wouldn't know what to do if they were ever NOT depressed but that does not mean that they are always sad. Every one has a different reality, but for me, it just means the demeaning voices just don't talk to me as much on some days as they do on other days. Sometimes the whispering taunts of how usless and horrid i am is too much and i don't want to get out of bed. Other times, i just sound cynical in my mind. Like the way a ball player trains himself to "beeeee the baaaaall . . .", i trained my self to see these thoughts as seperate from me, then i trained myself to tell them to shut the fuck up and i learned to ignore them. i learned to remind myself that that thought was just paraniod and stupid. This idea has no merit.
Right now i am not working. This would have prompted me get in bed and never come out again. This would have been compounded by the fact that i love my Angel and would expect him to leave me. Nothing about the fact that he wouldn't. i would just assume he'd want to. And THEY would take Roni and my friends would stop calling and i would be dead in no time at all. i'd have myself convinced in no time and i'd be a mess.
OK, so i didn't clean the kitchen for a week and let my baby drag me out to eat instead of cooking and got sick; i slept more than usual and snapped at people. i may still do it for the rest of this month. i buried myself in the computer and did a LOT of templates, including some template terrorist offers for random people. Last night, i cleaned. Today, i kicked the boys back out of my kitchen. i got out of the house. i made dinner.
Sure, it was just a small taste and it made me restless and hunger for more, but hey . . . the hardest part for me is admitting that i'm angry. Now i just want to hit things and blow stuff up and build things and fix stuff and have a lot of sex. You know, exercise my inner man.
"White Men In Black Suits" ~ Everclear
"Yes, I think it's getting better for the two of us.
Yes, I think it's getting better in the worst way.
I refuse to be afraid of almost anyone.
Afraid of all the things they do,
or the words that they say.
Let's live the way we want to live and hope they go away.
Ooh, I really hope they go away.
Ooh, I really hope they find a nice place.
I hope they find it somewhere.
I hope they go away.
I can still hear all the people say..."
confessed on Saturday, Mar. 23, 2002