i never get tired of that movie. Pretty in Pink holds a special place in my heart and always will.

The Ronica watched it for the first time today and hasn't told me what she thinks yet. she's just getting out of the shower and dancing wildly in her room - naked. it's kinda funny to see her dancing naked to "Girl All the Bad Guys Want. she is so very silly.

i have been so stressed out recently and then it all gets blown away and something else moves to center stage. my relationship with Angel doesn't stress me out, but it does take a lot of me.

time, thought, energy, all wrapped up in getting things right, getting the message through his stubborn head. how hard can it be to understand that in this i am unshakeable: i love him. deal me the cards and let me play - pitch the ball and i'll hit it back in your face - nothing can change this simple fact of life. i looked at him and fell in love in an instant, i was ready to take on anything.

he can't seem to swallow that. or maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve it. whatever. like love has anything to do with deserving. it never has and never will.

i am trying so hard to give him the space while letting him know that home is still here and that we still want him, i still want him. i am trying to pull back from the overwhelming emotion and do what is right. i am trying to do my part and sometimes it's like we're working against each other. he can't tell me what he needs and i can't wave a wand and read his mind so i do all the wrong things and then i say things poorly out of frustration and he gets hurt or misunderstands. we take a step forward only to get shoved on our asses because we aren't working together.

it's exhausting when all i want is to get back to good, to have him home, to see him smile, to have him snoring loudly beside me every night so i can think up things to stick up his nose in his sleep.

i was still so very tired and had a huge headache this morning so i called to swap today for tomorrow and got some more sleep. i woke up about 1 and read for a few then goofed off online for a while. Angel stopped by and The Ronica came straight home today as i told her to since she was in trouble. we did spelling word study and she cleaned up her room. Angel left and The Ronica and i watched the movie. now it is bed time.

i send you love and stuff - just remember that i have been here for a long time now and you guys mean a lot to me.

2 So please please please let me get what I want

confessed on Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003