Sorry, i know it�s been awhile. i have neglected putting all too much in here for the last week or two as i had a huge weight upon me and i wasn't really comfortable talking about it here. See, Myste knows where my diary is and has read it in the past; she may read it now, but i don't know- i don't ask as i never cared, but this time i was juggling a lot of information that i didn't want to put out there while i decided how to handle it.
Basically, when Ronica came home from her last visit at her Dad's, Angel was told she spent the day in a very questionable manner and he almost came unglued, his head was on fire and he was ready to go for blood. i listened to him and calmed him down but, in truth, it had me boiling, too. i waited a day to calm down and took Roni out to dinner, just the two of us and, for the first time ever, sat down and questioned her about her time at Daddy's.
i did it the most careful way i could. i explained to her what i do to take care of her and had her point things out as she thought of them, too. i told her what was 'The Basic Stuff Parents Have To Do' and what we just do beyond the basics. i moved on to these basics and asked her how she felt about mine and Angel's fulfillment of these duties. Basically, a "Whether or not you, me or Angel like this, do we do it?" Then i waited for the answers. i reminded her of other discussions we've had when one of us thinks or feels that something is not being done right and how we all work to fix it and asked her if she remembers them. Yes, she did. Did this work well for us? Yeah, most the time.
Ok, we were on good ground now; it was time for a small shift. i moved to back to 'The Basic Stuff Parents Have To Do' and asked her to think about Daddy's house. i told her she didn't have to answer right then, but to think about this for a few minutes. i asked her if she thought she was being taken care of right when she was there. i asked her if she thought all these things were being covered there. i read the list back to her of 'The Basic Stuff Parents Have To Do'.
We ate for a while and talked about things she does for fun there and that is a 'safe' subject that i never banned. They watch movies there and play outside, sometimes play board games or video games together. i agreed that those are all good things; fun involving Daddy, Myste, and Roni. Then i reminded her of the two Important Questions. She said though they have fun and love her a lot that no, she didn't think that they were covering all these bases. i asked her how they were missing. She said that there weren't hardly any clothes and that all she had was what she got on her birthday(November) and Christmas; she usually didn't eat much when she's there (this is corroborated by the fact that she came back weak and skinnier the weeks she spent there this last summer, but she's so damn skinny already . . . at the time i thought i might be imagining things); she says she is not made to bathe every day though she spends most of her time outside playing in the dirt and brush with 'outside animals'; she had ant bites on her head and neck - mostly on her hairline - with some on her arms and back and said that there were ants in her bed because her cousins eat in there; she did, at one time, have a dog SHIT all over her bed but it was finally replaced with a new bed when money permitted.
We discussed whether this meant that they didn't love her as much as before (NO, loving her is constant and fierce. they still love her very much.) and i took a long time to explain how sometimes things stack up and get behind and you don't see it until you look in from the outside; they might now realize it had gotten this bad. i explained to her that we couldn't send her over there for a little while, at least until we get it all straight, because if we did, then we would be doing the wrong thing, too. i told her i know that this will hurt her feelings along with Daddy and Myste's, too; that it might make them all three mad at me and Angel. i also explained that i would make sure Daddy and Myste knew they could come over and see her until we got things worked out.
All this and more.
i cried.
i had to talk to Chip and Myste tonight. i had to tell them all of this and set up a family meeting. He took it well, and we all stayed calm; the meeting is set for tomorrow.
i had to do this one week after she had the new baby boy. She was induced two weeks early because she had toxemia. Myste was in labor for 36 hours before the moron doctors noticed that the pain meds were still not working and that she and the baby were sick and had fevers. That's when they did the c-section. Fortunately, they are both fine now and he's a cute little thing.
i have such mixed feelings for them. i get mad at some of the choices they make but they haven't really been out of line. i hate that he doesn't stay at any job long and can't keep insurance on his children as all three of them need it. i have mostly bad memories of him and our life together as i can hardly remember any time when i laughed freely with him. Sometimes, i know that this makes it hard to see the good changes he's made in himself just as i know he has a hard time believing that i am really not the vindictive bitch he thought i was.
i know i'm a hothead with a quick lashing temper, but the anger is swallowed up quickly and i usually just yell for solitude until i get a grip on it. i will spill out my anger in here and have. i will plot and daydream of wonderful and inventive deaths on occasion. Then i will laugh at how dumb it is and let it go. i know i should never speak when i'm angry. i try not to.
i like Myste. Against good sense and understanding, i love her. i thought i loved Chip, once. There will always be an echo of that feeling in me, reminding me what i once thought of him. i'd never go back, that love was based on the wrong things and built with lies and good intentions. i know that i can trust them with some things, but that when it comes to their self interest, i'm out on the cold. In a way, that is as it should be. i understand. i know i have to keep a distance with them so i don't fall in.
i just don't have to like all this. It hurts and i hate it.
"The Air That i Breathe" ~ KD Lang
"If i could make a wish, i think I'd pass.
Can't think of anything i need -
No cigarettes, no sleep, no light, no sound,
Nothing to eat, no books to read.
Making love with you
Has left me peaceful, warm, and tired.
What more could i ask?
There's nothing left to be desired.
Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak.
So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep.
Sometimes, all i need is the air that i breathe
And to love you.
All i need is the air that i breathe,
Yes, to love you.
All i need is the air that i breathe."
confessed on Saturday, Oct. 05, 2002