i just want to say i am bawling as i read this. i have loved this man more than almost anyone in the world. There was a time i was in a crisis and thought i might be in love with him because . . . well, he was just the only one. There were times of such frustration with him and times of anger and resentment and even annoyance. There were times when i felt so betrayed by him and times when he was the only one i wanted to be near me. i think the worst was when i doubted him. i know in my heart that he is good and just and that he loves me. Sometimes i just didn't see it with my eyes or hear it with my ears or feel the arms around me and i got angry and felt abandon and wounded and wondered, "why? why does he come back? why do i let him?"

This is why. And because no one can play cards like him or drink like him or ever possibly be as anal as him. But no one will ever hold me like him and i refuse to dance with any other man. No one else has seen me at the highs and lows this man has witnessed and still treat me as if i am a treasure. No one else had the guts to yell it at me straight like he did. No one will ever be as unconditional as Russ . . . no one will ever inspire that in me like he does.

Don�t get me wrong, there were a few times i could have cheerfully strangled him and possibly should have because he can be so obtuse and have all the emotional finesse of a big rock. i guess all you have heard up till now are the times i was angry at him or hurt by his decision to do what comes naturally and get a girlfriend . . . . and I have doubted him. What is always comes down to is that i love him. Simply and purely and i'd lay down and die for him if it was really needed (though i'd really rather not . . .). He truly is the best friend i've ever had in so many ways and i kinda thought he'd always be there for me. That if i didn't want to deal with the day to day, or didn't have the time to stop by this week that there was always next week . . . . Well, next week is almost over and here i am, bawling over his good bye letter as he and his girlfriend prepare to move to Ireland.

His relationship was very hard for me to accept. He was mine and now this girl slides in and takes him over . . . She took my place in a lot of ways and then, she took his heart, too. i ached and grieved as for the loss of a love. i distanced myself as his happiness with this lovely intruder was just . . . too happy. i don't ever wish him pain, but to see someone else make him so much happier than i could was a fresh stab in my heart every time.

i missed out on so much for my insecurities and jealousy. How could I ever get that back? What could i possible do to fix it? He hasn't really seemed to even need me lately and that hurts just as much. There was a time when i though some space and time would be best for us as he was starting a new life and i was the old one. Now, i'm not so confident in my choice.

The ground is shaking and it's no longer beneath my feet . . . the world is collapsing in on me and he is leaving. i feel as though my whole being is being crushed and i can't breathe anything but pure fire and i know i deserve this. i have let him down, though he doesn't (nor would he ever) mention it. He may not even know. You have only heard the bitching and the doubting and the anger and hurt, but he did dishes, too. He held me together when i thought i would shatter into a million pieces. And put me back together when I finally did. He stood up for me. He refused to be anything less than my best damn friend and the man in my life when i needed one most. There were times when we were all but married . . . oh . . . i can't stop crying . . . and i lost my thought . . . here:

misijane,

My sweetest lover and best friend. You have loved me in a way that no one else ever could. You have always looked at me with eyes that do not judge, and comforted me with a heart full of love.

My only regret is never having loved you more intimately, but you know my luck with women and i could not risk losing you. i could not imagine a world without you, and quite simply would not want to live in it if it existed.

You have been there since as far back as i can fully remember, as my memory tends to distort if i go back further than 10 years. i still have pictures of you from the early 90's. You say that you have always had a dream of a man voluntarily doing the dishes, but seem to forget when we lived in the trailer together and i would get up to do them. i must admit though, that you were always there to help, and it made it more of a game than a chore.

Now that i have come to a point in my life where i must move away because of my job, i find myself with only two regrets. i must move away from family, and i must move away from friends. You will always be family to me. No one else can wipe away the tears, make me laugh, offer a hug when needed, or just be there to lay around with as good as you can. After the excitement has worn, i ask the question why must i move so far away?

i have taken for granted the diary you have on-line for too long and now find myself reading every entry. Will it be enough for me when i am gone? Never! Nothing can ever replace having you near me, or you giving me a big hug, or the sweet sound of laughter when i tell you a stupid joke that no one else would ever have laughed at. Or the sound of your voice singing along with me as we listen to music we grew up with. Or the long drives all over the place as i went to play at yet another hole in the wall club with the band. And what about being taunted by you and your breasts�. Or maybe just knowing you could show up at my door at any time to say hello, or i at yours. At least i will be able to check your diary and see what�s up in your life, and know my misijane will be ok.

When people split up, or move away, they often realize only then what they have had. i have known all along what a truly sparkling gem i have had, and i have cherished you each and every day i have known you. There is no jewel, gold, or precious gem that could ever, in my eyes, sparkle as brightly as you do. You are my better reasoning skills, my slow down and think it out first, my just forget about it and laugh, my best friend. Of all the things i will miss the most when i leave, you will be on the top of the list. i don't think i will ever find anyone as special as you, who is so accepting of me and so unashamed to be themself.

i am taking along a digital camera with me, and hope to send back photos from all over Europe for you. Everywhere i go, you can be assured of receiving one. When you see them, and see me standing beside some centuries old landmark i want you to remember something. You will always be right there with me, because i can never let you go.

i love you more than i love myself. That will never change. i love you that much, because you are one of the reasons i am who i am. You are one of my parts. A part that makes me better. Every day, i think about you. With every action that is questionable, i ask myself what you would do in the same situation, or what you would think about me if you knew what i was doing. You are with me every minute of every day. Thank god i have that! You might just be the only link to sanity that i have left.

misi, thank you for being you. Thanks for being my friend. Thanks for everything. This is not, nor will it ever be, goodbye. Soon enough you will be back in my life again, playing hide-and-go-seek in another big house with far too many rooms. i just hope we can both be in the same house. laughing. hugging. loving. being there for each other.

i love you more than you could ever know.

Russ

P.S. i'll let you know the exact day i will be leaving. i have a little while to wait for the work permits to clear. i hope you are feeling better! i'll e-mail you as soon as i get my new e-mail address in Ireland and let you know what it is.

Mostly, just remember that

i love you as i have loved no other.

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confessed on 2001-04-01