It's late and i can't sleep despite the tight neck and hunched shoulders, the long hot shower and the bleary eyes . . . not even the fact that i'm simply exhausted will help me get to sleep.
It's not caffeine - i was on a steady supply and i've seriously cut back. i'm currently at about 2 - 3 hits a day. Mostly vending machine tea, too . . . weak ass shit!
The world is surrounding me but there's a gap and it's widening. i'm not really touching these keys anymore, just thinking at them really hard and they are almost typing themselves . . . i can't feel my mind. it's asleep, i think i stood on it too long.
Oh, yeah, this was weird but i'll start from the beginning of the story so you won't be lost.
When we moved into this apartment, we filled out that move-in checklist of shit the complex needed to fix. We turned it in the next day and they promptly NEVER showed up to fix diddly! i was a little blissed at the time what with the whole 'huge-step-in-the-awesome-new-relationship' thing so i didn't raise hell.
(i think i'm going bald - i lose a LOT of hair for no reason whatsoever. It's really freaking me out!)
After being here a while and trying to settle in, there are a few things we'd get obnoxious about and they fix them. Recently, since we are in a rent control complex, we have these energy efficiency experts come and do some sealing, tweaking, testing and stamping our apartment and the really nice inspector guy fixed both the front and back doors so that the close all the way and catch! i have been here about 4 years and in this unit over 1 year, but it takes an independent conservation tech to do regular maintenance on the damn place!
Anyways, the tile around the faucet in the shower was buckled a bit when we moved in and, over time, has leaked into the wall enough to have three rows fall out of the whole. Angel finally bitches enough to get someone out and they fix that. i come home one day to a note on the table and a retiled and sealed wall in my shower! YAY! The only downer to that was the huge mess they left in the bathroom, but i have almost gotten all the cement and sealant off the surfaces. i recommend anyone playing with these things use a plastic drop . . . they are great for what they do and *don't* come off easily.
(GAK! there goes ANOTHER handful of HAIR!!!!)
Here is the funny part:
Before they came to 'fix' my wall, the shower worked fine. Now that the wall is pretty, the shower is impotent and incontinent. It leaks out the bottom and can't get it's pressure up at all. The water just sort of droops out of the head and the heat had no real staying power like it used to. i used to be able to take 45 minute showers, emerge with flushed red skin, and still have hot water to load the dishwasher dishes; now, i have to economize my showers to 15 minutes or less and it's still only a memory of heat by the time i finish.
The feeling is gone in my relationship with the bathroom. There�s no real fire left and we just don't share the same depth of emotion that we used to. i miss the good old days of wild, passionate heat and getting to shave my legs without freezing my ass off. It used to get me all hot and them my face and chest would get so burned they'd stay red for a good hour at least. i could take my time and really appreciate my time in there, but now its just a rush to get it over with.
i think it's trying to break up with me!
i will, from here on out tonight, be found sobbing into my pillow over my fractured woman-shower relationship.
"Not The Doctor" ~ ALANIS MORISSETTE
"i don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
i don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
hidden in the bottom drawer
i don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine
lend me some fresh air
i don't want to be adored for what i merely represent to you
i don't want to be your babysitter
you're a very big boy now
i don't want to be your mother
i didn't carry you in my womb for nine months
show me the back door
i don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon
and i don't want to be your other half, i believe that 1 and 1 make 2
i don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face
at midnight, hey
what are you hungry for
i don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
i don't want to be your idol
see this pedestal is high and i'm afraid of heights
i don't want to be lived through
a vicarious occasion
please open the window
i don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week
i don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart
and it's wounded beat
i don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling
what do you thank me
what do you thank me for
visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if i show up at 10 past 6
well i already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh
mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
you see it's too much to ask for and i am not the doctor"
confessed on Tuesday, Dec. 17, 2002